Masturbation as Submission

Like all men masturbation has always been a secret part of my sex life. Even what dating and very sexual with a woman I found time where I could be alone with myself and give myself the pleasure that only a man knows about. Though my frequency has varied throughout the years (I remember one particularly rampant stretch in eighth grade), I've always enjoy the ritual and found it to be fulfilling to some extent. With it, however, came a sense of shame. I knew what I was doing was wrong, other kids at school made fun of kids that did (though the all did it themselves) and I was taught that anyone, man or boy, that needs to is pathetic because he should be able to find a woman to take care of it for him.
As I grew older it took on a different tone. I was having sex and dating women yet my masturbation still persisted. I'd hide it from my girlfriends, even making coarse jokes about it. When they would bring it up or show interest in it I'd act shocked and shy. For some reason I couldn't share it. It's too personal, too intimate, too embarrassing.
Now I want to share it and I'm very open about the act. I hint at it when I begin dating a woman and if she talks about it I'm honest and detail the act; the whys, hows and what fors. I've learned that I'm a chronic masturbator as the pleasure I get from it often exceeds the pleasure I get from a woman.
Rather, they are different. I get emotionally and mentally fulfilled from being with a woman while I get physically fulfilled on my own. The fact that sex is less satisfying with a woman than with myself only adds to my submission. I look at sex more as a test and a duty than anything. I am there for her, to please her and I work at it. Often I do well and I feel good but always my physical climax is sacrificied for her pleasure. There have been times I have gone deep into subspace during vanilla sex when I knew I would not come and she would. It brings a wave of submissive feelings that overpower any physical need I have.
I have grown to feel very submissive about masturbating. I know I could find a partner but the fact that I do it behind their backs and hide it makes me feel childish and submissive. I feel weak and unmanly when I relieve myself this way so on a suggestion of a friend, I have been trying to hold off to have a stronger chi. As men grow older, she told me, they lose more and more of their power with each orgasm. Men my age (33) shouldn't orgasm as often as I do. It's selfish and wasteful. It is recommended I only climax around once a week.
This is a big jump from my normal, three times a day, whenever I like habit. As I said, I'm a chronic masturbator. I've done what I could to not let it effect my relationships but, unfortunately, there have been times it's been noticeable.
So, as of now, I am holding off. I typically come once or twice a week though it has been more in the past. I'm a better lover and I feel happier. My chi is stronger, I can feel it and I feel more masculine, more powerful. On top of it all, I feel much more submissive and it's showing in my actions with women.

but damn, what I wouldn't do to have a good come...

Losing my Cherry

It has been a strange time. I'm getting used to my life being very different than what you're used to. I said a little about my social life becoming very hectic. I met two women through strange circumstances and though neither of them are dominant, I do enjoy their company.

One woman I met some months ago is dominant. She's a dominatrix by profession but that's not how we met. At the right time she can be submissive, so we have that in common.

We spent about a month inseperable then we both got caught up in schedules, work and other commitments. We've talked only sporadically and made promises to meet but, since New Year's Eve, we haven't been able to.

Yesterday evening I received a call for her asking if she could come over. Since she works closer to my place than hers she would often spend nights at my place to get that extra half hour of sleep. She knows she can come here to unwind, get some food and sleep in peace, something she doesn't always get at her place. We used to do this several times a week but our lives diverged and we weren't able to keep that schedule.

I was surprised how I felt upon seeing her. I had been seeing other women (both of whom know about the other) and felt a little jaded around women because of it. She was hungry and needed food. After that she needed rest. Together in bed her scent reminded me of the summer. Despite all the difficulties I was having then it was an idyllic scent. I held her closely, carressing her back with my fingertips.

She knows of my submissive nature, which is one reason we're so close but as of late we've become closer to intimate friends than anything else. One moment we would go from being warm and close, holding each other under the sheets and lightly kissing, the next moment she's
in "domme" mode, teasing me, taking on a commanding tone. We've spent enough time together that she's been able to crack me open and find what really gets to me. She knows my spots and strokes them, soft fingers tickling me beneath my sack. Even while I stroke her, she makes it more difficult for me by teasing and deepening my urges.

She questioned me; when did I last come?

This morning, I answered.

She laughed, somewhat disappointed. "Then you won't come tonight." Her hand stroked me even more urgently, making her promise more difficult to keep.

She knows I care little for orgasms. While I have powerful climaxes, we've discussed how I get a greater satisfaction from knowing she's satisfied and each time we've been together I've done all I could to make sure she was. I wasn't planning on coming, I didn't think I even wanted to.

and like that she was romantic again. We made out like lovers, hands stroking and kiss. Her breath was in my throat and I felt rejuvenated. At that moment I realized how much I missed her and needed her in my life. Then she broke character again;

"Next time I fuck you I'm going to give your ass a good pounding."

It was said in a soft breath with the certainty and strength I was used to from her. She mouthed it as a lover would promise herself after breaking from her man. She knew what effect it would have on me. I became even more rigid and the look in my eyes must have given it away.

"Have to loosen you up. Your ass is too tight. We need to work on that."

She'd said this to me before, we'd even discussed it but she said it with a renewed interest. I've known dominant women before but she's the first that could put me into subspace so quickly with such little effort. Our shared history drove what I feel for her.

I've never been fucked in the ass, though past girlfriends expressed a desire to. There have been a few misguided attempts that only resulted in pain and frustration. To be truthful, I looked forward to losing my anal cherry but I'd always hoped it would be something special with someone loving. With all I'd done, I believed it was the last sacred thing I could give away. I knew she wanted it. She knew how I felt.

She is more experienced than I and cares about me too much to do it as roughly and painfully as it would be, no matter how much I beg her.



We left it at that- no sex but an orgasm for her and none for me. That's the best thing, I'm still somewhat in a state of submissive bliss. Thoughts of her that appeared throughout the long day allowed me to dip into the hopes of giving it up to her. I'm not sexually sated and there's no other way I'd rather be.

Back for Now

I stopped writing here for several reasons. I'm still not certain of the future of this site but I can't say I like leaving it as is. I feel it's unfinished and would like to continue with it somehow, though I am still not sure in which direction it will go.

First I should explain why I stopped writing. One reason is the fact that my pictures kept getting taken off, which I felt undermined what I was trying to write. I would put them back up only to have them taken off again. If this is my blog, I'd like to be the only one in control of it. I realize using another site to post photos that violate their rules gives them the opportunity to delete what photos I put up but I decided to stop until I found a better photo site. I've had some alternatives but haven't had the chance to check them out thoroughly yet.

I have also been very busy. My personal, professional and romantic life have all taken more time and I haven't been able to update this as much as I'd like. I am getting back into grad school, something I put off for some time and I will have even less time to post in the future. When I become fully immersed in my studies this site may stop altogether. I'm not going to sacrifice my education for this.
I have also met a lot more people, some women I have been involved with that take up most of my free time. I've been through a lot and experienced a lot with them and, since we are very close, I feel it would be wrong to detail our relationships here. I may comment on my more personal thoughts but I don't want to involve them. I will say that none are fully dominant, nor are they vanilla. In fact they live the life you would imagine a dominant woman to live, which is what first got me to spend time with them.

I am still looking for a relationship with a dominant woman though it may difficult with the little time I have. I will continue this site, however, and plan to finish the story I left unfinished many weeks ago.