Subspace and the Road Back

It's difficult to recount the feeling of subspace after it has passed. When you're truly deep within it, especially when you have been away for so long and sexually needy, it is heady. You forget all else; time, the outside world, even yourself. This time I was deep, perhaps deeper than I had ever been. Definitely deeper than I have been for some time. I needed it desperately and it was liberating. I felt weightless, my head rolled. I couldn't speak, could barely think.

I "met" a woman. I say met though that's not exactly true. She is dominant and we are both cautious and overeager to progress. Being the decisionmaker, as well as an expert tease, she has decided we won't meet for months- until possibly November!

Since we first made contact we've been on the phone for hours almost every day. We both have busy schedules without out professional and social lives taking up most of our time so we are doing our best to find time to fit each other in. This makes it all the more difficult as the more we're apart, the more I find myself thinking of her. Like Pavlov's dog I physically react when the phone rings and I see it's her. Early on she made the distinction between us- she is in charge while I am there for her pleasure.

She is evil in this too. I've never gone all out and admitted to myself that I like some things I do, much less confess them to someone else yet she has drawn them out. She shares the same desires I do and has no reservations about forcing them on me.

Though I've accepted my submission, there are still parts of it I'm ashamed of. I feel like less of a man when I humble myself to someone. I yearn for such humiliating acts like kissing her ass and I secretly love the idea of doing all these things while others watch. Guess what she has in mind?

At my suggestion I've kept myself chaste. She did not ask for it and rarely even mentions it but it puts me in the right mindset. I become very needy, very suggestible and very slutty. There are times when I can only think of my cock for hours. As you can imagine it impedes my day.

That was the state I was in yesterday. Often I bring myself off while speaking with her and following her directions. I normally have very intense orgasms that leave me drained and unable to move but when I go without as I have and especially when I consider nothing but sex, they are even more so.

She enjoys that I am a frequent masturbator and encourages this side of me. She loves hearing me come and loves drawing it out. Speaking with her I am kept on the edge for what seems like forever. So deep am I that I begin to unknowingly cry. I sob at the pitiful nature of it all. I am a grown man; attractive, smart with a lot going for me but I remain controlled by my urges and debase myself in such a way.

I live for such moments. The combined shame, need and bare lust puts me in a sleep. I feel groggy and useless. Even as a sub in a committed relationship I found it hard to get into "subspace" but there was no way else to describe it. I liken it to a woman unable to describe her first orgasm after years of trying. I have been there before but never so greatly. I was weeping helplessly, my cock painfully hard, my balls aching from the disappointing teases they suffered so often lately.

It is over and I am slowly coming to. My body awakens slowly, my mind then joints then my head. My muscles feel damp as if made of cement. My cock is useless and will be for a while. I feel renewed.