Misguided

I've noticed there are two types of people that involve themselves in D/s. One group tends to follow a rigid set of rules and guidelines on how a dominant or submissive can do, how they act, what they should be called and how they talk. They fit into very easily defined stereotypes of bdsmers. They get dramatically offended when their dominance is questioned or when not referred to in what they consider the proper way. Rather than let their actions speak for them, they defend their self conceived notion of dominance with a list of what they have done, how long they have been dominant, what they've read and who they know.

There is a second group of people that feel their dominance or submission is a part of them and they feel no need to advertise it. It is as much a part of them as breathing. Obviously I consider myself in the latter camp.

I'm not going to raise the flag of D/s unity or say we should all get along, I tend to stick to myself and my life. If you're not in it it doesn't concern me how you live your own. I don't consider myself part of any community in D/s or in any other part of my life. What's important to me are my friends, my family and my romantic interests. I do have to say that I find it disheartening when someone drawns the wagons around themselves on D/s and grows protective of those they don't know. I don't advertise who I am. I wear what's comfortable and you could never identify any of my tastes or interests by what I do for a living, what I wear or the friends I surround myself with. Because of this I've been accused of not being submissive enough. Because I don't look mean I'm accused of being weak. When I go to shows I've been called a poser because I wash my clothes, don't shop at Hot Topic or have any tattoos. Why do people make such an effort to conform and live out a stereotype?



Back on the subject...I say all this because of an incident that took place recently that reminded me of something that happened many years ago. I'll start there.



I'd been interested in D/s since I was a child and began looking into it when I first left home. I'd been involved in it for years but didn't devote most of my social life to it. I participated once in a while but wasn't steadily active in it. Because of that I lost touch with many of those "in the scene", something I subconsciously meant to do because most of them were prime examples of the first camp and we didn't have much in common, D/s or not. I still wanted to get back into the D/s scene so, years after I lost touch I attended a munch for those looking into dominance and submission.

It was casual, a group of people meeting at a food court and, taking a chair, I sat next to a woman close to my age. We struck up a conversation and she told me she was a submissive into infantilism, even going so far as to show me the diapers she wore. I was also in her master's seat. When I asked if he had gotten up she told me he hadn't arrived yet.

Though I thought the idea of "saving" seats went out of fashion in Kindergarten, I told her I would move if he showed up as there weren't any other chairs.

He showed up half an hour later, a scrawny, mean looking man a few years younger than I and half the size of his submissive. I stood to let him have the seat and introduced myself. When I gave my actual name he gave me a strange look, "What's your submissive name?"



I didn't know we were supposed to have secret identities. Is there a code word or secret handshake I'm missing out on too?



I repeated my name and asked his. "Sir," he said.

"No really," I smiled. "What's your name?"

He looked stunned. "Sir. You're a submissive. I'm a master. You should address me with respect."
Irritated, I laughed it off. "First, I'm not gay and I'm not your submissive so why don't you tell me your name?"

He brushed me off, as if he was insulted and I spent the rest of the munch hearing him fume in anger. I'm sure if I was not a foot taller and didn't have at least forty pounds on him he would have gotten physical. As it were, he had to subdue his ire at a submissive speaking to him in such a way.



Weeks ago I posted an ad looking for a dominant woman. I got few responses and, since I placed it mainly in fun, I quickly forgot about it. I wrote it with the idea that I would want her to be more than a mistress. Possibly a ~girlfriend~ as well?! With that in mind, I gave some ideas of what I was looking for in a woman as well as a mistress. Since I'm very active and work to keep myself healthy I requested a non-smoker.

Today I got a response:

For a submissive man, you certainly have a lot of rules about what your ideal dominant woman should be. I am a Domme. I smoke cigarettes, and I don't drink or get high. I know that I am dominant, and being so, I also know that it is not my sub's place to tell me how to act. It is his place to accept me as I am, and to conform. Being submissive means relinquishing control, and your email is one of the most controlling emails I have read in a very, very long time. I know exactly what I want in a submissive man, and reading your post, honey, you are the farthest thing from it.

You need to get a grip or loosen it. Whatever it is, you need to rethink your role.

My response:

I wrote that post not because I want to control or make demands of a domme but so I could find a compatible woman to serve. I know the type of person I can spend time with and what I need in a relationship rather than just play. I'm looking for someone I can grow close to and I couldn't do that with someone that smokes or gets so defensive. Therefore, my post worked out just fine, weeding out those I'm not compatible and would never want to meet. Namely you- honey.

She again writes:

There is a great new book I just bought called "The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It was originally published in 1994, and this is the newest edition, published after "The Bottoming Book" became such a huge success. It's a great book and describes scenes, safe words, BDSM, S&M, Role Play, Respecting Limits, Ethics, Consent. I already know who I am and what I want, but am always willing to learn and grow. Just thought I'd pass it on as you seem highly intelligent. I didn't mean to insult you, but for a bottom, you seemed a little too demanding for my tastes.

I suppose I am more extreme than you are, and expect my sub to defer to me. I have had slaves and I have had submissive men in my enclave. I prefer subs to slaves as slaves are far too time consuming, mentally and emotionally draining.

Clearly we are looking for different things, and that is what makes the world a beautiful place!

I wish you the very best in your search.

J.

Mine:

You "don't mean to insult" me but in the very next sentence you brag about how more extreme you are yet you know absolutely nothing about me. You meant to insult me. Both letters were condescending and blatantly rude. At least be honest about it.
The fact that you get the blueprint for how to be dominant from a series of books is questionable. Is there some study to being a Master or Mistress? Do they offer it as a major in college or even a summer program at the Y? What is what is not things a dominant should do or say? I'm glad you spent time studying these books to make you feel more dominant. If you truly were so you'd know exactly how to act and not have to learn it from a book so you can play at the role.
Submissives do not defer to mistresses just because they claim themselves to be "dominant." That title is about as worthy as a college diploma won in a cracker jack box. There is no school of thought, or rules you should have to follow to describe yourself as dominant or submissve. I expect you to doubt this because you have spent much time and wasted a lot of money on books that suppose to tell you what being dominant is all about.
I could have saved you all that money- if you are dominant you know how to act. You don't have to read about it in books written by someone no more credible in the subject as George Bush is in diplomacy. Read books on scene safety and perhaps erotica but a guidebook on how to be dominant? Drivel.
I do not know you. I do not want to know you. From our short correspondence I know you would not be anyone I would want to even pass by on the street if I could avoid it. I would only "defer" to a woman that has earned by trust, respect and service, not some stranger that sent away for books on how to be a domme.
Perhaps if you realized your errors you would have more luck finding a sub but then, they don't teach that in books.

Finished.

She wrote back, seemingly shocked that I was so angry and is, in fact still writing to me despite my explaining it to her why I found her rude and had no desire to talk further with her.

Now I know why I stayed away from the D/s sceners all those years ago.