In the Beginning...
I'm writing this to chronicle how I got here and why I feel the way I do.
To put it bluntly, I am submissive but I don't think that word covers it as I would like. I don't like the ritual that seems to be connected to it. Leather does very little for me and I don't like the unwritten rules that you have to refer to someone as Mistress or some other such name. I think that is too showy and impersonal. I think this is a deep, intensely personal thing and such things are accoutrements. So are riding crops, racks, etc. All items that add to the dispassionate nature so many involved in this seem to thrive in.
I am submissive but that's too broad a term for what I feel. I don't feel lesser than anyone and am proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I don't have an image problem and I don't feel there is anything wrong with how I feel. I'm not ashamed of it, though I have had difficulty bringing it into my personal life at times.
Going way back I remember I had many feelings and thoughts that, as I grew older, I realized were submissive. I had dreams as a young child that were definitely submissive. Not so much sexual but definitely submissive.
As I got older my fantasies became much more specified. I was more passive in them while women were the aggressors. All my fantasies had sex happen to me, rather than the typical cheerleader after school fantasies so many teen boys have. I was tied down or molested while sleeping. My lovers were older, experienced women while I was virginal and naive (which I was). I had visions of being spanked, being tied down mixed with the typical celebrity fantasies.
I was a late bloomer sexually because I went to an all boy's school much of the time and was shy around girls. When I started dating seriously everyone had more experience than me but I found myself dating older, even more experienced girls. I learned about sex from them but those I opened up to about my early sexual fantasies only took light interest in them; play spankings, or laughed commands to do things I would have done anyway. I was happy, I was learning.
I've grown as have my tastes and they've become more specified. I am an idealistic romantic and believe in monogamy so my tastes have leaned toward more of an emotional bond than a physical one. I am drawn to the picture of an authoritative wife and mother; a mater, a strong, direct mother. Sometimes she is forceful and punishing, other times subtle and teasing but always loving and tender. I don't think a dominant woman should be mean, hurtful or cruel. Rather I believe she should temper her position with nurturing.
I have recently moved to Chicago and have found this city to be more open to the idea of a man being the beta than most places I've lived. I'm a relatively attractive guy and the shyness I felt as a teen is mostly gone so I don't have that much of a problem meeting women. I date fairly frequently though I've yet to find the one woman I can devote myself too and completely submit to. That is the purpose of this site- to tell my story as it happens and I look for such a woman while detailing who I am and what I'm looking for, hopefully teaching me something about myself.
To put it bluntly, I am submissive but I don't think that word covers it as I would like. I don't like the ritual that seems to be connected to it. Leather does very little for me and I don't like the unwritten rules that you have to refer to someone as Mistress or some other such name. I think that is too showy and impersonal. I think this is a deep, intensely personal thing and such things are accoutrements. So are riding crops, racks, etc. All items that add to the dispassionate nature so many involved in this seem to thrive in.
I am submissive but that's too broad a term for what I feel. I don't feel lesser than anyone and am proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I don't have an image problem and I don't feel there is anything wrong with how I feel. I'm not ashamed of it, though I have had difficulty bringing it into my personal life at times.
Going way back I remember I had many feelings and thoughts that, as I grew older, I realized were submissive. I had dreams as a young child that were definitely submissive. Not so much sexual but definitely submissive.
As I got older my fantasies became much more specified. I was more passive in them while women were the aggressors. All my fantasies had sex happen to me, rather than the typical cheerleader after school fantasies so many teen boys have. I was tied down or molested while sleeping. My lovers were older, experienced women while I was virginal and naive (which I was). I had visions of being spanked, being tied down mixed with the typical celebrity fantasies.
I was a late bloomer sexually because I went to an all boy's school much of the time and was shy around girls. When I started dating seriously everyone had more experience than me but I found myself dating older, even more experienced girls. I learned about sex from them but those I opened up to about my early sexual fantasies only took light interest in them; play spankings, or laughed commands to do things I would have done anyway. I was happy, I was learning.
I've grown as have my tastes and they've become more specified. I am an idealistic romantic and believe in monogamy so my tastes have leaned toward more of an emotional bond than a physical one. I am drawn to the picture of an authoritative wife and mother; a mater, a strong, direct mother. Sometimes she is forceful and punishing, other times subtle and teasing but always loving and tender. I don't think a dominant woman should be mean, hurtful or cruel. Rather I believe she should temper her position with nurturing.
I have recently moved to Chicago and have found this city to be more open to the idea of a man being the beta than most places I've lived. I'm a relatively attractive guy and the shyness I felt as a teen is mostly gone so I don't have that much of a problem meeting women. I date fairly frequently though I've yet to find the one woman I can devote myself too and completely submit to. That is the purpose of this site- to tell my story as it happens and I look for such a woman while detailing who I am and what I'm looking for, hopefully teaching me something about myself.
posted by A M at 2:03 PM
2 Comments:
I think you will find the more you verbalize through your writing, the more you will understand (and accept) about yourself. Welcome.
Great to read about your feelings which are shared by so many of us. I hope you'll keep up the blog for along time to come and keep us updated on your progress.
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