Submissive in the City

Musings on Nudity

2007-11-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

I am impossibly hard. Though I came just two nights ago now I feel lust that usually doesn't arrive so soon after an orgasm. In fact, the past two weeks my recuperation time has shorten to mere hours. This is strange considering that the weather is colder. I read somewhere that each gender has different needs at different seasons. Men peak in the Summer while women peak in the Spring. Both slow down during the colder winter and fall months yet I've always found myself more attentive as the weather gets bleaker. Perhaps it's because I'm more prone to staying inside and hibernating.

Though I have edged close to orgasm several times, I will not come. In the past I have promised the same and didn't have the self control to follow through on the promise. I'd explode slowly as my muscles clenched to retain the flow and it dribbled out, slow and thick, from the tip of my cockhead.

Now I know enough to contain it. The weekend is coming up and I have a date. Most likely I will be used or, at the very least, inspected and I want to be in top form. I have a prediliction towards objectification and this woman unknowingly has the same. In her eyes men are good to look at and fun to play with so I plan to be on my best behavior with her.

Still, there's something lewd about going through the day in differing stages of arousal. Now, alone in my room, I lay naked and my cock juts obscene and demanding. I often wonder how women could be attracted to such an image; the nude man half in ecstasy and his cock sprouting from his midsection like some strange attachment, bobbing and leaping of its own volition. Surely women must find some humor in this idea- even the most attractive naked man can seem a bit humorous when at his most needy.

A Sex Object

2007-10-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not someone that enjoys one night stands. On the off chance that I have been involved in one it's usually due to her preferences rather than mine. Often what I expect would be nothing more than a one nighter turned into a longer, more fruitful relationship.

That's what I expected that night. I had been invited to her party by her good friend, who is a friend of mine. I didn't know her but mainly went to see my friend. It turned out to be a fantastic party and I got along very well with the birthday girl. So well, in fact, that she took me to her bed at the end of the night. I was a bit nervous because I didn't want to lead her on and wasn't sure it was the right decision but afterwards I realized I had little say in the matter at all.

She undressed me and seemed to take great pleasure in doing so. When I was naked she brazenly examined me and though we did not have sex that night she took advantage of the man in her bed. I enjoyed her as well, though I could not deny the undercurrent of domination between us. She directed me and made no disguise of her appraisal of my nudity. The fact that she was so forthright with her desires excited me terribly.

The next morning we talked casually as two old friends would. We had a lot in common and I grew disappointed knowing I probably wouldn't see her again. There have been numerous times when women have had their fun and left me with only memories. I thought this would be one of those so I was suprised to get a phone call from her the next day. We meet soon after and that time we did have sex, on her terms, of course.

Before then, however, she told me all about her friends' reactions to what she told them about me. I'm in good shape and, though I'm well endowed, I never thought myself that larger than most men. She related how happy she was when she saw my size and how proud all her friends were when they heard. She was very pleased with my body and she constantly commented on it until I felt like I was on display. I began to think this is what it must feel like for a woman. Men, driven by their urges, constantly leer at and judge women on their looks and bodies. This is a woman who was driven by the same impulses.

When we were together she wanted me to be naked and I took a special delight in telling her when I was aroused when I was clothed. She had a cock fetish and constantly brought up my size, even asking me to wear shorts of her choosing so her friends could see when we attended a barbecue together.

I felt like a sex object and lived up to it. I made myself available to her whenever and however she liked and sent photos to her phone when I wasn't around. I became her slut and open to any of her fantasies or experiments. All her friends knew of our relationship and, I'm sure, knew of all of my most private secrets.

With society becoming more and more comfortable with womens' sexuality, women are becoming more and more honest about their wants. I can't think of a downside to this, as a happy and fulfilled woman makes for a better relationship and a better world overall, but men must learn where they fit in. For too long women have been the main sex objects of the world but now men are being seen as nothing more than eye candy for women. Actors who have nothing more to offer than their looks and bodies are getting top billing and being paid millions while every man is expected to put more thought and care into his appearance. Women are congratulated for leaving men that have let themselves go and finding more attractive men they can enjoy.

As egotistical as it may sound, I find myself being looked at in such a way each time we are together. When out with her friends I'm sure she encourages them to look as she does. This is a role I, as well as every man, must get used to whether we prefer it or not.

Stealth Submission

2007-10-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

A long pause between posts. That's due to many things, mainly work and life intervening. I find I must put my personal self on the backburner when life's responsibilities come to the fore. I suppose everyone does. Throughout it all, however, I continue to feel a constant pull towards submission. I'm not always able to dwell on it or feel it fully, though it pops up occasionally. Recently I've had more time to reflect and this is what I've found...

When involved with a woman I've always taken the submissive role without realizing it. This is appropriate because it fits my personality but I know now I've acted this way since I was very young and didn't date.

When involved with a woman I can't remember a time when I wasn't the first person stripped naked. There have even been occasions when I've been naked for a woman on our first date. It just seems natural that way. I'm more comfortable naked and it's a show of my submission when I am while she is not.

I cook a lot and often. Many, many times I cook for the woman so that now it's expected. While not necessarily a submissive thing, it can be seen as such. I enjoy cooking and do it a lot on my own but the feeling of having a woman wait on me while I work over the stove could be seen as a reversal to some. Often the woman volunteers to do the dishes and clean up as a way to equal things out, which I appreciate.

Most often, when we're physical, I pace myself to her needs. Many times I do not come. I enjoy it thoroughly, but I realize my place is in pleasing her and often my own orgasm is neglected in favor of her wants. Some women have realized my reticence in coming, others haven't. Or, at least, they didn't concern themselves enough to mention it.

I do a lot of things the woman would love that you hear about in all those relationship manuals- I give frequent massages, lots of kisses, caresses and tell her what she needs to hear. That's not always easy for me. In fact, it can be very difficult, but I know it makes her happy. I want her to be happy- that's the whole point.

I take this further and kiss and lick her feet, even sucking her toes. This is something I don't get aroused by since I'm not a foot fetishist but I've never met a woman that didn't enjoy her feet getting licked and sucked if done right. I've unknowingly turned many otherwise "vanilla" women into foot queens after they feel a warm tongue on the sole of their foot.

I've probably gone down on my woman more than any other man I can think of. It becomes so familiar that I learn every spot of her sex. I once watched Nina Hartley's tutorial on cunnilingus and she said it's a way of showing reverence and respect and I can't agree more. When I'm giving my lover such attention it's a form of worship. It clears my mind, calms me and makes me feel more complete as a man and a person. It's difficult to describe to someone that doesn't feel the same way but it's a biological and emotional need. I need to go down on her, I need that time to join with her in such a way, it keeps me balanced I'm ground. In fact, I remember once reading a scientific study that said men that practice oral sex on their wife are less stressed than those that refuse.

There are times when I have caught up in such worship and, while my lover enjoys the attention, I have passed my tongue over her anus. This is something it took me a long time to accept. Even when I first realized my submissive nature, I still thought such an act was incredibly degrading and only after a period of training and breakdown did I finally accept it as a form of affection and deference. I still have difficulty with it at times but, caught up in the moment of submission, it seems appropriate and, as expected, every woman enjoys the unique attention.

There are all things I've done without realizing it. They became second nature to me and whether the relationship veered in the direction of female domination or not, they are wonderful ways to show the woman your feelings without pressuring her to take on a role she may not be comfortable with. Men that feel such feelings and are afraid to show them either to themselves or their woman, may feel more comfortable following such an example and practice a form of stealth submission that all women enjoy.

Misguided

2007-07-13T23:43:00.000-07:00

I've noticed there are two types of people that involve themselves in D/s. One group tends to follow a rigid set of rules and guidelines on how a dominant or submissive can do, how they act, what they should be called and how they talk. They fit into very easily defined stereotypes of bdsmers. They get dramatically offended when their dominance is questioned or when not referred to in what they consider the proper way. Rather than let their actions speak for them, they defend their self conceived notion of dominance with a list of what they have done, how long they have been dominant, what they've read and who they know.

There is a second group of people that feel their dominance or submission is a part of them and they feel no need to advertise it. It is as much a part of them as breathing. Obviously I consider myself in the latter camp.

I'm not going to raise the flag of D/s unity or say we should all get along, I tend to stick to myself and my life. If you're not in it it doesn't concern me how you live your own. I don't consider myself part of any community in D/s or in any other part of my life. What's important to me are my friends, my family and my romantic interests. I do have to say that I find it disheartening when someone drawns the wagons around themselves on D/s and grows protective of those they don't know. I don't advertise who I am. I wear what's comfortable and you could never identify any of my tastes or interests by what I do for a living, what I wear or the friends I surround myself with. Because of this I've been accused of not being submissive enough. Because I don't look mean I'm accused of being weak. When I go to shows I've been called a poser because I wash my clothes, don't shop at Hot Topic or have any tattoos. Why do people make such an effort to conform and live out a stereotype?

Back on the subject...I say all this because of an incident that took place recently that reminded me of something that happened many years ago. I'll start there.

I'd been interested in D/s since I was a child and began looking into it when I first left home. I'd been involved in it for years but didn't devote most of my social life to it. I participated once in a while but wasn't steadily active in it. Because of that I lost touch with many of those "in the scene", something I subconsciously meant to do because most of them were prime examples of the first camp and we didn't have much in common, D/s or not. I still wanted to get back into the D/s scene so, years after I lost touch I attended a munch for those looking into dominance and submission.

It was casual, a group of people meeting at a food court and, taking a chair, I sat next to a woman close to my age. We struck up a conversation and she told me she was a submissive into infantilism, even going so far as to show me the diapers she wore. I was also in her master's seat. When I asked if he had gotten up she told me he hadn't arrived yet.

Though I thought the idea of "saving" seats went out of fashion in Kindergarten, I told her I would move if he showed up as there weren't any other chairs.

He showed up half an hour later, a scrawny, mean looking man a few years younger than I and half the size of his submissive. I stood to let him have the seat and introduced myself. When I gave my actual name he gave me a strange look, "What's your submissive name?"

I didn't know we were supposed to have secret identities. Is there a code word or secret handshake I'm missing out on too?

I repeated my name and asked his. "Sir," he said.

"No really," I smiled. "What's your name?"

He looked stunned. "Sir. You're a submissive. I'm a master. You should address me with respect."
Irritated, I laughed it off. "First, I'm not gay and I'm not your submissive so why don't you tell me your name?"

He brushed me off, as if he was insulted and I spent the rest of the munch hearing him fume in anger. I'm sure if I was not a foot taller and didn't have at least forty pounds on him he would have gotten physical. As it were, he had to subdue his ire at a submissive speaking to him in such a way.

Weeks ago I posted an ad looking for a dominant woman. I got few responses and, since I placed it mainly in fun, I quickly forgot about it. I wrote it with the idea that I would want her to be more than a mistress. Possibly a ~girlfriend~ as well?! With that in mind, I gave some ideas of what I was looking for in a woman as well as a mistress. Since I'm very active and work to keep myself healthy I requested a non-smoker.

Today I got a response:

For a submissive man, you certainly have a lot of rules about what your ideal dominant woman should be. I am a Domme. I smoke cigarettes, and I don't drink or get high. I know that I am dominant, and being so, I also know that it is not my sub's place to tell me how to act. It is his place to accept me as I am, and to conform. Being submissive means relinquishing control, and your email is one of the most controlling emails I have read in a very, very long time. I know exactly what I want in a submissive man, and reading your post, honey, you are the farthest thing from it.

You need to get a grip or loosen it. Whatever it is, you need to rethink your role.

My response:

I wrote that post not because I want to control or make demands of a domme but so I could find a compatible woman to serve. I know the type of person I can spend time with and what I need in a relationship rather than just play. I'm looking for someone I can grow close to and I couldn't do that with someone that smokes or gets so defensive. Therefore, my post worked out just fine, weeding out those I'm not compatible and would never want to meet. Namely you- honey.

She again writes:

There is a great new book I just bought called "The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It was originally published in 1994, and this is the newest edition, published after "The Bottoming Book" became such a huge success. It's a great book and describes scenes, safe words, BDSM, S&M, Role Play, Respecting Limits, Ethics, Consent. I already know who I am and what I want, but am always willing to learn and grow. Just thought I'd pass it on as you seem highly intelligent. I didn't mean to insult you, but for a bottom, you seemed a little too demanding for my tastes.

I suppose I am more extreme than you are, and expect my sub to defer to me. I have had slaves and I have had submissive men in my enclave. I prefer subs to slaves as slaves are far too time consuming, mentally and emotionally draining.

Clearly we are looking for different things, and that is what makes the world a beautiful place!

I wish you the very best in your search.

J.

Mine:

You "don't mean to insult" me but in the very next sentence you brag about how more extreme you are yet you know absolutely nothing about me. You meant to insult me. Both letters were condescending and blatantly rude. At least be honest about it.
The fact that you get the blueprint for how to be dominant from a series of books is questionable. Is there some study to being a Master or Mistress? Do they offer it as a major in college or even a summer program at the Y? What is what is not things a dominant should do or say? I'm glad you spent time studying these books to make you feel more dominant. If you truly were so you'd know exactly how to act and not have to learn it from a book so you can play at the role.
Submissives do not defer to mistresses just because they claim themselves to be "dominant." That title is about as worthy as a college diploma won in a cracker jack box. There is no school of thought, or rules you should have to follow to describe yourself as dominant or submissve. I expect you to doubt this because you have spent much time and wasted a lot of money on books that suppose to tell you what being dominant is all about.
I could have saved you all that money- if you are dominant you know how to act. You don't have to read about it in books written by someone no more credible in the subject as George Bush is in diplomacy. Read books on scene safety and perhaps erotica but a guidebook on how to be dominant? Drivel.
I do not know you. I do not want to know you. From our short correspondence I know you would not be anyone I would want to even pass by on the street if I could avoid it. I would only "defer" to a woman that has earned by trust, respect and service, not some stranger that sent away for books on how to be a domme.
Perhaps if you realized your errors you would have more luck finding a sub but then, they don't teach that in books.

Finished.

She wrote back, seemingly shocked that I was so angry and is, in fact still writing to me despite my explaining it to her why I found her rude and had no desire to talk further with her.

Now I know why I stayed away from the D/s sceners all those years ago.

Subspace and the Road Back

2007-07-11T01:51:00.000-07:00

It's difficult to recount the feeling of subspace after it has passed. When you're truly deep within it, especially when you have been away for so long and sexually needy, it is heady. You forget all else; time, the outside world, even yourself. This time I was deep, perhaps deeper than I had ever been. Definitely deeper than I have been for some time. I needed it desperately and it was liberating. I felt weightless, my head rolled. I couldn't speak, could barely think.

I "met" a woman. I say met though that's not exactly true. She is dominant and we are both cautious and overeager to progress. Being the decisionmaker, as well as an expert tease, she has decided we won't meet for months- until possibly November!

Since we first made contact we've been on the phone for hours almost every day. We both have busy schedules without out professional and social lives taking up most of our time so we are doing our best to find time to fit each other in. This makes it all the more difficult as the more we're apart, the more I find myself thinking of her. Like Pavlov's dog I physically react when the phone rings and I see it's her. Early on she made the distinction between us- she is in charge while I am there for her pleasure.

She is evil in this too. I've never gone all out and admitted to myself that I like some things I do, much less confess them to someone else yet she has drawn them out. She shares the same desires I do and has no reservations about forcing them on me.

Though I've accepted my submission, there are still parts of it I'm ashamed of. I feel like less of a man when I humble myself to someone. I yearn for such humiliating acts like kissing her ass and I secretly love the idea of doing all these things while others watch. Guess what she has in mind?

At my suggestion I've kept myself chaste. She did not ask for it and rarely even mentions it but it puts me in the right mindset. I become very needy, very suggestible and very slutty. There are times when I can only think of my cock for hours. As you can imagine it impedes my day.

That was the state I was in yesterday. Often I bring myself off while speaking with her and following her directions. I normally have very intense orgasms that leave me drained and unable to move but when I go without as I have and especially when I consider nothing but sex, they are even more so.

She enjoys that I am a frequent masturbator and encourages this side of me. She loves hearing me come and loves drawing it out. Speaking with her I am kept on the edge for what seems like forever. So deep am I that I begin to unknowingly cry. I sob at the pitiful nature of it all. I am a grown man; attractive, smart with a lot going for me but I remain controlled by my urges and debase myself in such a way.

I live for such moments. The combined shame, need and bare lust puts me in a sleep. I feel groggy and useless. Even as a sub in a committed relationship I found it hard to get into "subspace" but there was no way else to describe it. I liken it to a woman unable to describe her first orgasm after years of trying. I have been there before but never so greatly. I was weeping helplessly, my cock painfully hard, my balls aching from the disappointing teases they suffered so often lately.

It is over and I am slowly coming to. My body awakens slowly, my mind then joints then my head. My muscles feel damp as if made of cement. My cock is useless and will be for a while. I feel renewed.

The Allure of Cuckolding

2007-06-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have a larger list of festishes than most people. I may become desperately aroused at the idea of humiliation one day and enjoy something else the next. Most of my fascinations last a week or more before I put them back on my mental shelf to be used next time I feel the calling. Some, like femdom and spanking, are used considerably more than most.

One that surprised me is the idea of being cuckolded. I say surprises me because:

1) I would never want that to happen in real life nor would I allow it. If it happened without my consent it would be over between my girlfriend or wife.

2) I have been the other man more than a few times in the past. While I was involved just for the sex, I took a perverse knowledge of "Being with another man's woman." The last woman I did this with would always talk about her boyfriend and how he never made her happy or would do stupid things. I liked knowing I could give her what he couldn't.

3) I'm not the typical type that appears in cuckold fantasies. I'm not wimpy, spineless or weak. I'm very much the opposite.

Despite all this, I like the idea of being a cuckold. Watching it happen does nothing for me, nor does assisting in any way and the racial connotations ruin it for me (politics and porn don't mix. I don't even like fan fiction). I think it's is the femdom aspect of it. A woman that is so free to do what is so taboo must be in charge, right? A man that allows it is obviously secondary in the relationship.

In a past relationship I dated a very independent woman that wanted to see me and cared for me but didn't want to be exclusive to me. While she had no problem with me seeing other women- in fact she encouraged it and we ended up swapping stories- she would not be monogamous to me or any other man. She thought the idea of monogamy to be outdated. I agreed with her and still do. In my current relationship I'm monogamous though we have both discussed bringing someone else in. I'm encouraging her to take someone else though I know it would be much harder, near impossible, for her to see me with someone else. I wouldn't want to see her with someone else for the submissive aspect, that isn't there between us, but she's very sexually adventurous and likes the idea of a threesome or more.

Cuckolding is much more common than we're aware of, that much I know. It's rare to find a woman that hasn't cuckolded a man at some point in her life. It goes against all of society's dictates, which is why I find it so surprising to see it as the new trendy fetish- there was even a long article about in GQ about a group of bulls that attend parties where they sleep with the wives of bored suburban couples.

Real Men Go Downtown

2007-06-18T06:58:00.001-07:00

It is a form of adoration; a way to prostrate yourself to the woman you hold higher than life itself and oral worship is a display of your feelings. Truly, anyone looking at the act would quickly determine who is the greater and who is the lesser between the two merely by their positions.

The man beneath her, reverently kissing her sex while on his knees is a submissive act by definition. He receives no pleasure other than the pure satisfaction of serving his woman. Her juices drench him.

Being so close to a woman intimidates some men. It is the seat of their power and feminity. Some rightly call into question their male alpha status after feasting on her center. What man can be certain of his masculinity when his lips touch her in such a way?

That is what defines a real man; he is confident in himself and doesn't feel threatened by the power of feminity. He is proud to serve her in such a way. When he kneels before her he's reverent and knows the time he worships his woman is sacred. It makes him a better man and he uses the moment to bond with the woman as only a man can.

Through such adoration does he finally become a man. True men know the satisfaction that only comes from worshipping his woman in such a way is greater than any physical pleasure he can feel. It's the essence of female superiority and defines who he is as a man as well as a submissive.

Done correctly pussy worship may leave a woman tingling and breathless from climax but it brings the male an even greater sense of peace and serenity that can't be found by any other means.

Masturbation as Submission

2007-03-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Like all men masturbation has always been a secret part of my sex life. Even what dating and very sexual with a woman I found time where I could be alone with myself and give myself the pleasure that only a man knows about. Though my frequency has varied throughout the years (I remember one particularly rampant stretch in eighth grade), I've always enjoy the ritual and found it to be fulfilling to some extent. With it, however, came a sense of shame. I knew what I was doing was wrong, other kids at school made fun of kids that did (though the all did it themselves) and I was taught that anyone, man or boy, that needs to is pathetic because he should be able to find a woman to take care of it for him.
As I grew older it took on a different tone. I was having sex and dating women yet my masturbation still persisted. I'd hide it from my girlfriends, even making coarse jokes about it. When they would bring it up or show interest in it I'd act shocked and shy. For some reason I couldn't share it. It's too personal, too intimate, too embarrassing.
Now I want to share it and I'm very open about the act. I hint at it when I begin dating a woman and if she talks about it I'm honest and detail the act; the whys, hows and what fors. I've learned that I'm a chronic masturbator as the pleasure I get from it often exceeds the pleasure I get from a woman.
Rather, they are different. I get emotionally and mentally fulfilled from being with a woman while I get physically fulfilled on my own. The fact that sex is less satisfying with a woman than with myself only adds to my submission. I look at sex more as a test and a duty than anything. I am there for her, to please her and I work at it. Often I do well and I feel good but always my physical climax is sacrificied for her pleasure. There have been times I have gone deep into subspace during vanilla sex when I knew I would not come and she would. It brings a wave of submissive feelings that overpower any physical need I have.
I have grown to feel very submissive about masturbating. I know I could find a partner but the fact that I do it behind their backs and hide it makes me feel childish and submissive. I feel weak and unmanly when I relieve myself this way so on a suggestion of a friend, I have been trying to hold off to have a stronger chi. As men grow older, she told me, they lose more and more of their power with each orgasm. Men my age (33) shouldn't orgasm as often as I do. It's selfish and wasteful. It is recommended I only climax around once a week.
This is a big jump from my normal, three times a day, whenever I like habit. As I said, I'm a chronic masturbator. I've done what I could to not let it effect my relationships but, unfortunately, there have been times it's been noticeable.
So, as of now, I am holding off. I typically come once or twice a week though it has been more in the past. I'm a better lover and I feel happier. My chi is stronger, I can feel it and I feel more masculine, more powerful. On top of it all, I feel much more submissive and it's showing in my actions with women.

but damn, what I wouldn't do to have a good come...

Losing my Cherry

2007-03-05T17:50:00.001-08:00

It has been a strange time. I'm getting used to my life being very different than what you're used to. I said a little about my social life becoming very hectic. I met two women through strange circumstances and though neither of them are dominant, I do enjoy their company.

One woman I met some months ago is dominant. She's a dominatrix by profession but that's not how we met. At the right time she can be submissive, so we have that in common.

We spent about a month inseperable then we both got caught up in schedules, work and other commitments. We've talked only sporadically and made promises to meet but, since New Year's Eve, we haven't been able to.

Yesterday evening I received a call for her asking if she could come over. Since she works closer to my place than hers she would often spend nights at my place to get that extra half hour of sleep. She knows she can come here to unwind, get some food and sleep in peace, something she doesn't always get at her place. We used to do this several times a week but our lives diverged and we weren't able to keep that schedule.

I was surprised how I felt upon seeing her. I had been seeing other women (both of whom know about the other) and felt a little jaded around women because of it. She was hungry and needed food. After that she needed rest. Together in bed her scent reminded me of the summer. Despite all the difficulties I was having then it was an idyllic scent. I held her closely, carressing her back with my fingertips.

She knows of my submissive nature, which is one reason we're so close but as of late we've become closer to intimate friends than anything else. One moment we would go from being warm and close, holding each other under the sheets and lightly kissing, the next moment she's
in "domme" mode, teasing me, taking on a commanding tone. We've spent enough time together that she's been able to crack me open and find what really gets to me. She knows my spots and strokes them, soft fingers tickling me beneath my sack. Even while I stroke her, she makes it more difficult for me by teasing and deepening my urges.

She questioned me; when did I last come?

This morning, I answered.

She laughed, somewhat disappointed. "Then you won't come tonight." Her hand stroked me even more urgently, making her promise more difficult to keep.

She knows I care little for orgasms. While I have powerful climaxes, we've discussed how I get a greater satisfaction from knowing she's satisfied and each time we've been together I've done all I could to make sure she was. I wasn't planning on coming, I didn't think I even wanted to.

and like that she was romantic again. We made out like lovers, hands stroking and kiss. Her breath was in my throat and I felt rejuvenated. At that moment I realized how much I missed her and needed her in my life. Then she broke character again;

"Next time I fuck you I'm going to give your ass a good pounding."

It was said in a soft breath with the certainty and strength I was used to from her. She mouthed it as a lover would promise herself after breaking from her man. She knew what effect it would have on me. I became even more rigid and the look in my eyes must have given it away.

"Have to loosen you up. Your ass is too tight. We need to work on that."

She'd said this to me before, we'd even discussed it but she said it with a renewed interest. I've known dominant women before but she's the first that could put me into subspace so quickly with such little effort. Our shared history drove what I feel for her.

I've never been fucked in the ass, though past girlfriends expressed a desire to. There have been a few misguided attempts that only resulted in pain and frustration. To be truthful, I looked forward to losing my anal cherry but I'd always hoped it would be something special with someone loving. With all I'd done, I believed it was the last sacred thing I could give away. I knew she wanted it. She knew how I felt.

She is more experienced than I and cares about me too much to do it as roughly and painfully as it would be, no matter how much I beg her.

We left it at that- no sex but an orgasm for her and none for me. That's the best thing, I'm still somewhat in a state of submissive bliss. Thoughts of her that appeared throughout the long day allowed me to dip into the hopes of giving it up to her. I'm not sexually sated and there's no other way I'd rather be.

Back for Now

2007-03-04T12:43:00.000-08:00

I stopped writing here for several reasons. I'm still not certain of the future of this site but I can't say I like leaving it as is. I feel it's unfinished and would like to continue with it somehow, though I am still not sure in which direction it will go.

First I should explain why I stopped writing. One reason is the fact that my pictures kept getting taken off, which I felt undermined what I was trying to write. I would put them back up only to have them taken off again. If this is my blog, I'd like to be the only one in control of it. I realize using another site to post photos that violate their rules gives them the opportunity to delete what photos I put up but I decided to stop until I found a better photo site. I've had some alternatives but haven't had the chance to check them out thoroughly yet.

I have also been very busy. My personal, professional and romantic life have all taken more time and I haven't been able to update this as much as I'd like. I am getting back into grad school, something I put off for some time and I will have even less time to post in the future. When I become fully immersed in my studies this site may stop altogether. I'm not going to sacrifice my education for this.
I have also met a lot more people, some women I have been involved with that take up most of my free time. I've been through a lot and experienced a lot with them and, since we are very close, I feel it would be wrong to detail our relationships here. I may comment on my more personal thoughts but I don't want to involve them. I will say that none are fully dominant, nor are they vanilla. In fact they live the life you would imagine a dominant woman to live, which is what first got me to spend time with them.

I am still looking for a relationship with a dominant woman though it may difficult with the little time I have. I will continue this site, however, and plan to finish the story I left unfinished many weeks ago.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled submissive blog

2007-01-01T17:26:00.000-08:00

because I've been injured. A combination of carelessness and recklessness has made me no stranger to getting hurt. Growing up I was accident prone and still have the scars to show for it. In my life I've been in a lot of scrapes and spills and ended up in some pretty strange situations but this was a new one for me.

I've made it a point to only tell the truth on here and, besides The Beach House and any other stories I may write in the future, everything is true and just like everything else on here, this is true. You'll know this because what happened isn't a turn on, especially since it happened to me. I can see how it would be funny but I find it considerably less funny because it happened to me.

New Year's Day I met a woman. We hit it off and ended up back at her place. She wasn't dominant and, like most submissives, I am able to disguise my submissive nature when appropriate.
That evening we had a round of satisfying vanilla sex. She was pretty shy about having a man in her bed she just met and it's a pretty new thing for me as well. She seemed down to earth and fun and I hoped there would be something more.
I got up to go to the bathroom and dispose of my condom. Outside the bedroom door waited two dogs; her 7 year old border collie and a 5 month old beagle mix. The collie was especially suspicious while the beagle was just restless and curious as most puppies are. They were friendly and when we first got home I spent a good bit of time playing with and petting them so when I stepped naked out of the bathroom both dogs ran up to me to get more attention.
At the time I wasn't in the mood to play with them and preferred to get back to the bedroom to play with the naked woman waiting on the bed but the dogs wouldn't have it. Before I could get back however, the beagle jumped up and bit my penis.

It wasn't an aggressive act, she was just being playful (yes, the dog was a she) but you still can imagine my reaction. I quickly yanked myself out of her mouth, covered myself and leaped back into the bedroom. I overreacted after imagining irreperable damage being done to my member. It stung but not nearly as much as you would expect. Looking back, it was a very minor injury but the fact that I was actually in a dog's mouth is enough to disgust me and cause a good amount of emotional trauma.

My lover came running in as I told her what happened. Of course she was laughing (as I would if I saw it happen to another person) but she got some antiseptic and helped me clean it off. I was afraid to look at it and as I pulled my hands away to assess the damage. There was deep red colored gash with several swollen bumps where the teeth had made the most impact.

Remember I said I overreacted? I ended up calling 911 though it was partly to hear their reaction as it was to get medical advice. I used to work as en emt and know they get some pretty strange calls so I'm sure it was nothing new to them and maybe get a good laugh from it. The man at the other end of the line didn't think it was too strange and was a big help. I didn't want an ambulance to come by as he suggested, mostly I just wanted to talk to someone in the medical field to assuage my fears.

Throughout it all I failed to consider a few things;
-The penis heals much faster than any other part of your body. Men that have been hurt there can attest to this.
-Other than a few open cuts and bruises, the wound was really very slight. If it had happened anywhere besides my penis I wouldn't have thought much of it at all.
-When I got bitten I was still half hard and swollen from sex. The blood in my member made the wound look much worse than it was.

On the way back home I got a hold of myself. I was sore and careful about moving but I could tell nothing would be permanent. I would be out of commission for a few days, as even an erection would aggravate the still open injury. This meant no sex or even masturbation. Sex wouldn't be a problem because I'd just had some and wouldn't want to show my bruised member to any woman. Masturbation would be difficult though, as I've become accustomed to enjoying it every day or so and wouldn't be able to for a while. So right now I'm in a state of self imposed chastity.

Right now I've healed quite a bit. The swelling has gone down some and the bright red gash was more of a scrape and has turned to a soft pink. The bruises have spread though they are still a dark purple. I'm still holding off for a while though, I just hope it doesn't take too long to heal.

Because of this I haven't felt very inspired to write much in here but I felt I had to tell my story. Ironically, with all the submissive tortures that excite me, CBT is one that doesn't do anything for me.

The Beach House

2006-12-30T20:37:00.000-08:00

She didn't consider me. I was too young, too eager. The first words out of my mouth were fumbled, a sign of my inexperience with women. I suppose anyone would act the same way. Sent away to boarding school, brought up sheltered, and then spending a weekend with two of the most beautiful young women I'd seen in my young life. Any young male would have difficult maintaining composure.
Not that I would be able to orchestrate such a feat. I did have friends though, one friend in particular. He was handsome, personable and seemed to have women at his feet without even an effort. That rare soul that catches the envy of all those around him for being born with the talent to draw women. He seemed born with it. It was in his genes and came out in his smile and his words. I watched how Carrie would listen as he spoke, her eyes studying the motions of his lips as words formed.
But not me, I was always in the background, looking nondescript. I didn't have what he had and was happy to just be around the women attracted to him. Carrie became his girlfriend, if not by label then actions. She was the women he spent the most time with and the woman that received most of his attention. She was beautiful, tall, blonde and athletic. She was the captain of the cross country team and exercised with a passion usually reserved for career athletes.
Her sister, Claire, was the younger version of her. Though not blonde, she retained a strawberry auburn that illuminated her features. She was cuter than her sibling, sweeter looking and softer. Though she wasn't as developed, she inherited her physique.
I wasn't as able as my friend. In addition to my shyness around girls, I wasn't as big as most my age. Rather than join any of the teams I was on the debate team. Smarter than most my age, I would be glad to trade my smarts for some expertise with the opposite sex.
On the first night Gerald received all the attention while I stayed in the main room and watched bad sitcoms. Claire stayed with me for a while and impressed me with her thoughts. Though younger than me she seemed much more aware of herself and more intelligent than most girls I've met. Her sense of humor was sharp and had me laughing off some of my nervousness.
When it came time to go to sleep she joined her sister in the master bedroom with Gerald while I fell asleep on the couch as Ron Popeil sang me a lullabye.
I awoke early, a large bay window casting sunlight over my lids and prevented me from sleeping in. Had I been able to sleep later I would have, the overstuffed couch was more than adequate but try as I might I couldn't rest.
The house was silent and I couldn't hear a sound from the bedroom as the salty air from the tide helped to waken me further. The night before I made some resolutions- I needed to be more social, more outgoing and I needed to work to make women happy, not just think of myself as I often did in the past.
The air was heavy with salty vapor and I inhaled deeply as it cleared the remnant of sleep. Sand was cold beneath my feet and I felt the courseness of the sun pressing between my toes. I could feel my body awaken and I gulped air hungrily. The sun had not risen completely as I began to slowly move my legs. My body seemed to awaken as I worked up a sweat, treading on the soft ground.
By the time I reached the jetty and returned to the thick surf by the house I had worked up a sweat. Breathing heavy, and feeling better than I had in ages I stripped off my clothes. Shirt, shorts, underwear, shoes and socks all kicked to a pile at the foot of the backsteps. Taking a fresh towel from the porch I wrapped it around my neck and continued my run.
I felt refreshed. My cock bounced between my thighs, filling slightly as I found my pace. As I turned the corner I found an isolated spot and, breathing heavy, laid out my towel and relaxed. There was a warmth over my body I never felt as I inhaled deep breaths of air. The sun had risen fully, through a sparkling energy over the water. I admired it for a moment as I laid down and closed my eyes.
I fell asleep and dreamt of slow, warm sex with Claire. I imagined her back in the house, stripping off her nightshirt to step under the warm spray of the shower. She was in my thoughts as I watched her from the doorway, her breasts lathered and her tiny ass flexing with each step.
"Aaron...."
It was a distant voice, I shook it off.
"....Aaron..."
More insistent know, visions slowly parting.
"Are you asleep?" The voice was recognizable.
As the volume increased I snapped my eyes open. Claire stood at my feet, a towel tossed over one shoulder. She wore a light blue two piece bikini that showed every outline of her tiny body. Between her thighs you could make out a faint cleft.
"What are you doing?" She sounded equally shocked and amused.
It took me a moment to realize where I was while Claire took her time looking me over. Her eyes focused on the erection standing proud beneath my legs. I wanted to cover myself but as my hand reached to cover, I felt my palm wrapped around the shaft. It felt so wonderful. It had been so long since I had relief I could only roll my eyes back and slowly start pulling on myself.
Claire could only gasp in surprise as I lost myself in the pleasure flowing through my body. Her mouth opened to speak but she said nothing.
It was such an intense feeling- the fresh air, the warm sun, a beautiful girl watching my every movement. I couldn't hold back. I'd needed it and with a deep moan I erupted. It splattered on my chest, marked the sand and flowed down my fist. I was still breathing deeply as I looked up at Claire. There was a wicked look in her eyes. "Aaron, that was very naughty of you. What will everyone else think?"

More later?

Respect and Devotion

2006-12-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

No act is more romantic and displays a man's intentions as the humble act of kissing a woman's ass. Men have been bred to find such an act unmanly but I think it's the boldest move a man can make. It's the most honest show of respect a man can perform for a woman. It can't be faked and no one can question the integrity and love of a man that kneels and kisses his woman in such a way. Submissive or not, it's the perfect, most genuine, most loving act a man can ever show for the woman he loves.

How to weaken a man

2006-12-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

Every man has a very personal relationship with his penis that women will never know. It is where we receive our greatest pleasure, the center of our masculinity and a source of pride while also causing us our share of anxiety, stress and for some disappointment. It often leads us to the wrong decision, influencing our judgment though it is a woman's best tool to draw a man into submission.

Throughout his life every man is directed by it in one way or another. It compels us to go against our better judgment and tempts us. It is to a woman's advantage when she understands how much it affects a man's mind and how much of a hold it has over him. If she can tame his cock and lead it to her any man will helplessly follow.

Often referred to as a wife's best friend, a man's penis can be the quickest route to a woman drawing out her man's submission. Give it enough attention but not too much, let him know how special it is to you and let him know you control it through your actions. Keep it eager, keep it hungry and keep it hard. Play with female controlled chastity while you enjoy orgasm after orgasm. The more a man is kept stimulated without orgasm the more he begins to truly understand the needs of a woman. The intensity and the need grow to a point that a man is helpless. If done right, all his thoughts, his only concern will be for his woman.

Use this power wisely, it is more powerful than you imagine. A man is never so submissive as when he realizes a woman has dominion over the most male part of him.

Following Her Lead

2006-12-27T11:48:00.000-08:00

Women, even those that are dominant, want a man that will make certain actions that would be seen as dominant. In most of the relationships I've been in, even the dominant ones, I'm the one who makes the first move and the first kiss. I'm the one who comes and and expresses enough interest and asks her out on a date. Though it may not be the same for everyone, it has been my experience.

I've decided that now, when I become serious about a woman and believe she is right for me I will let her know through my words and actions but I won't make any moves. I will be receptive towards all she does and make it known that I will do whatever she wants and accept her decisions, but I will not be so bold as to try to milk affection from her. I won't phrase it in such a way but if she's the type of woman I'm looking for she'll understand and sense this from me.

I know this sounds a bit immature, leaving it up to the woman to do all the "work" in the relationship but I don't look at it that way. I'll be open to whatever she likes and will only refuse if there is a good reason I can't (sickness, harm, excessive fear). I'm not speaking specifically about sex, I'm mostly talking about relationship matters. I want to be monogamous for her. I want to be chaste and I want to express it. I want to acknowledge I am submissive through my deeds and admit to my weaknesses as a man.

When I think about truly giving my heart to a woman I'm scared almost beyond words. I have done that before and it left me empty, disappointed, hurt and disraught. I give myself completely and make myself too vulnerable and have never had it reciprocated. Strange, because I'm usually extremely careful about getting attached. I've only been attached to (what I thought were) exceptional women.

My goal in all this is for a woman to become bolder about her wants and expect them without hesitation. My goal is for a woman I love to propose to me (with me on bended knee, of course) knowing the answer before she finished asking the question.

My weaknesses....I touched upon that in this post and it's something I've been considering for a while. I need to save that for another post. That is a larger topic that I must spend more time on.

Pegging: Gaining Favor?

2006-12-26T20:59:00.000-08:00

Now and then I will bring up Literotica and find some stories that entertain me for the moment, depending on what kink I'm in the mood for. Often my tastes run to femdom or some variation, but I may hunger for humiliation or something deeper. Exhibitionism, role play, most nights I can find a story to fit what I'm looking for pretty closely.
This night I couldn't decide so skimmed through the fetish section, sort of a grab bag of fantasies. I closed my eyes and reached in...

I've been coming to that site for a few years now and never have I seen so many stories on female to male strap on sex. It looks every other story is about a woman finally turning the tables on her usually dominant husband.

I'm not complaining, after all my last post praised the benefits of humbling penetration on men, but it seems like pegging has become the new kink trend of the year.

My guess is it's due to men being encouraged to get more in touch with their feminine side and become more emotionally open. I wouldn't know, I'm still a virgin in that area, though I do love anal play when done by a woman that knows her way around a man's hole.

Be a Good Boy

2006-12-24T20:16:00.000-08:00

and have a Merry Christmas

When Everything Came Out

2006-12-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

This may be difficult for some to read. At points it was difficult for me to write and if I publish this I'm not sure if I won't ever delete it. I think it helps explain much of what I feel and helps me to put it into words. In any case, if this upsets you I would advise you to stop reading and move on to the next entry or another blog but what I say is all true, as is everything else I write on this site.

I know that much of my sexual needs stem from my childhood. I'm sure if you research Freud or spend some time in psychology texts you'll find out that a lot of our sexuality takes root in that period. At least that seems to be my case.
I grew up in a very strict household where punishment was the rule. The problem is it wasn't tempered with care or rationale. Most discipline was meted out angrily without distinction between the harmful and the helpful and I often ended up bruised and bloody after a misguided punishment. It wasn't pleasurable to me in the least, in fact I was deathly afraid of it, which is why I find it strange that I look for discipline as a grown man.
I wouldn't want it at the level I received as a child but I think the two are definitely tied together. In my fantasies I recall imaginary scenarios that salve my memories where spankings are done lovingly from a caring parent rather than as haphazardly and brutally as they were. I remember the pain being more than I could stand yet at times I find the idea of a strict parent sensual.
It's twisted I know. It's something I have grappled with for some time. It has reared its head in several of my relationships, both vanilla and non. I'm very protective of myself as a sub for this very reason and find myself discussing what should and shouldn't happen, a very unsubmissivelike managing of things, because I am afraid of going through what I went through many years ago.
Up until a few years ago I had blocked it out. I remembered very little but only during the post coital comfort and exchange of secrets did a past girlfriend draw it out. I don't remember what started it, but I made a casual mention to an act in my childhood which she, being a very compassionate woman, questioned me about. Without realizing it I had exhumed all I had kept hidden from myself. I cried silently, unable to decipher what I was feeling. She helped me through it but the flood of emotions came out that was unlike what I had expected before. It was freeing and exhiliarating though I felt weak and small. Though I had considered submission for sometime before that, I never really felt it at that moment. She was neither sub nor domme and I couldn't express it to her, even if I was able to identify it myself.

Many years later I was having a mostly sexual affair with a woman many years my senior. Our age difference was so great that I could almost be considered her son. When we went out many thought we were. We made a joke of it and would give them no reason not to think otherwise. We were just a very close mother and son.
She was dominant, which she established early on. She especially loved spanking and I spent a good deal of time over her lap getting spanked for some intentional or inadvertent error that angered her. She was adept at spanking and considered it one of a woman's innate talents. Afterwards we would make love until both of us shuddered and dropped into each others arms listlessly.
One time I committed an error that really upset her. I believed she behaved irrationally as well and called her on it. We spent some time not speaking and stewing over it but when that passed I was to be punished, which I knew would be the result.
I was stripped completely naked, a state I usually enjoyed around her but feared this time. I saw very little arousal in her at all. It was all about making up for the wrongs I committed and doing her duty as a woman and my elder.
It was a difficult evening. The punishment began without a warm up when I was put over her lap and given an uncountable number of slaps to my bare ass. None were soft and teasing and each was meant to provoke and sting without remorse. I don't remember when I started crying but I suspect it was earlier than usual.
There was little respite afterwards. I was put over the end of her bed where I was paddled briskly until I was shaking. Her talent with the paddle was cruel and was enough for one punishment session. Instead it was merely the intermission.
Unable to stand, I crawled to the center of her bed where I lay face down, my rear end an already swelling bruise. It was sometime around this point that I lost comprehension. I'm not sure if I ever went into subspace before and still question if I ever have but I slipped into a new state then. I was a child, bawling my eyes out, face in the pillow, small, weak, angry as my bottom was being whipped.
My lover was at that moment using the cane on me, something which I felt little of before that day and dreaded. She never used it for play since I hated it so. That night she used it without restraint. It was terrible pain. It burned and seared. I felt open, wet and uncomfortably hot. I was no longer able to speak but only blubbered, my face wet and my emotions running rampant through me. All I had ever felt growing up came through me at that time.
I felt angry, helpless, lost and hated but something else happened. I began to crave those feelings. They turned into something wonderful. I felt euphoric and thankful for the burning and my lover for administering what I so greatly needed.
The negative feelings; the hurt, the sadness, were replaced with love, security and acceptance. I still had difficulty ascertaining where and who I was but I knew everything was right in my world. I was loved and cared for and didn't need to know anything else.

I don't remember how long she actually punished me, though it was longer than I needed. I cried out at one point, a mixture of pain, anguish and ecstasy and she stopped soon after that.

I couldn't do anything. I could not move, speak or even think as I should. I couldn't receive affection though I'm sure she stayed to give it. I was in an emotional freeze, slowly thawing out to be the man I was, with slight differences.
I still have difficulty with much of this and still have horrible memories but I've come to accept them as part of who I am. I'm proud for overcoming what I've been through and thankful for all they've done for me, though I would never recommend it for anyone else. I struggle with it occasionally but I know ultimately that I have nothing to be afraid of. Perhaps it's made me hold my submission closer and understand it better.

Reversal of Roles

2006-12-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

All men live in fear of a woman realizing the sexual power within her and society is now encouraging women to look inside themselves and find what generations of women before them have been kept from.
In the last few years more and more women are coming to realize the power they hold over men. Women are taking on roles once reserved only for men while men are taking on more feminine roles. They are expected to become caregivers and (at least) equals in keeping a home. Subsequently men are taking on characteristics on believed to be feminine. Less people believe it is out of place for a man to cry or become emotional in certain circumstances.
One sign of the growing reversal between men and women's roles is the prevalence of female to male strap on sex. More and more men are forced to face one of their greatest fears- being anally penetrated by a woman strong enough to put a man beneath her. The very position of a male being penetrated by a woman is submissive- his head down, his naked rear end up and open, his genitals hanging low- it is the most humbling position a man can have in front of a woman.

After being penetrated in such a way it's difficult for a man to look at the woman the same way again. Their relationship goes to a completely new level. Even if she doesn't take the superior role ever again, the fact that she once did, and may in the future, is enough to shame even the most secure man. Getting fucked in the ass by a woman is something that stays with him forever and burns itself onto his feelings. He realizes he is not the man he thought he was and his submission, even if slight, is enough to weaken him to a woman's power. It is a lot for a man to accept.

The Unkindest Cut

2006-11-26T22:01:00.000-08:00

I often wonder where fetishes come from. I'm pretty self aware so I can pinpoint the events in my growth that led to my interests in such things as female domination, corporal punisment and submission but one I cannot place is circumcision.

The practice has always fascinated me in the same way I would eavesdrop on the child that whispered about the paddling he received for acting up the day before, the burning, guilty feeling I felt is recreated each time I submit for punishment. I remember the catch in my throat, as I received similar discipline as a youth.

I won't detail my own condition but the act of circumcision and, to a great extent, castration, has an undetermined appeal to me. It is a powerful yet needless act. Some believe it is a right of passage but every father must have his doubts when allowing his newborn to go under the knife. Some women celebrate the act and invite their friends for a social gathering while the boy bleeds and cries. Every man, cut or not, feels this fear instilled in him from a very young age. Why do so many women push for it when it is no longer necessary? Is it tradition or a method to keep the male docile from the start. Every cut man has looked down at himself and yearned to have back the piece of him that was snipped from him without consent. It's a humbling feeling, even as an adult.

I find myself envisioning a woman I date examining me, deciding I would be better off if I were trimmed, taking me in for a consultation, even gripping my hand as I go under the knife (with a female doctor, of course.)

Is there anything more femdom than a woman having her man cut just because she prefers it? I applaud any man able to go through with that, it takes a deep level of commitment and submission to take that step.

Going even further, could a man allow himself to have his testicles removed if she decided she had no more use for them and he was easier to manage without them? Would he have a say?

It's a frightening fantasy, one I hope I never have to face, but I still feel a great desire for the woman that would push her husband to such a step. The control she wields over him must be incredible. I'm sure it would be exhiliarating.

The appeal lies in the fact that the woman has so claimed ownership of a man to such a degree that she makes such a decision is the type of domme I could hope to serve one day. I only hope she would not choose such a fate for me.

Spank With Care

2006-11-25T19:20:00.000-08:00

I thought a man's libido was supposed to lag in his thirties? Granted, I don't have the constant need to orgasm I did when I was 13- 15 (which was more of a curse). If anything, it's gotten more active.

After a difficult period following the end of my engagement and the bitter back and forth between my one time fiance, I now find it easier to date and, if I feel it is warranted, sleep with women. For a while I wasn't in the right space emotionally and must have upset the women I went out with that took my indifference to a lack on interest in them. It wasn't at all. They were beautiful, intelligent women but my heart was still healing from the fall out with the ex.

I resorted to masturbation which had lost it's flavor. I spent some time apart from my fiance before our fight and subsequent breakup and in that time I had wonderful, deeply satisfying masturbation sessions where I remember the times we slept together- exhiliarating, bed rattling, hair pulling, sheet tearing sex. Those times were over and I had to get over them. My little blonde wife to be was a memory.

Slowly I began dating. I knew no one in this city so I figured it would be preferable to spending weekends alone in my bedroom or in front of the tv. At least I could get out and see what an amazing city it is. Surprisingly all of the dates went well though I wasn't yet interested in dating. I met a lot of great women but none that inspired me enough to look forward to seeing them again and think about them when we're apart. I met one dominant woman I was very close to for some months but we seem to be growing apart. We remain as clothes friends, however.

Some time ago I wrote an ad looking for a woman that enjoys spanking men. I wasn't looking for a date or a lover, it had been a long week and I felt a good bottom burning would do me a world of good. Soon I had a response from a woman that lived fairly close. We talked for some time and I could feel myself growing more and more hesitant. Did I feel the fantasy would be more fulfilling when faced with the reality? Most likely, but like a good woman she urged me along and pushed me to meet.

When we met she treat me carefully. Taking me by the hand she led me in discussing my need for a spanking. Nervously I told her how it kept me balanced, that life had become too stressful and I felt out of sorts. In a firmer tone she suggested I take off my pants. Moments later I stood, my penis embarrassingly erect, in front of a women I had just met.

What followed was something all men dread. As adults we do our best to forget the tear soaked nights when we wail over a mother's lap, our bottoms bare and swollen while we clutch our pillow to our chest, swearing out curses to the loving woman that only wanted the best for us.

I wish I could say I had matured since then but I had not. I wailed, I kicked and I cried. She took her time, stroking my bare bottom and occasionally spreading my cheeks to tease my tightly clenched hole. I yelled and disappointed myself. I was a grown man and had taken much more strenuous whippings as a boy. Afterwards I lay there as she held me, caressed me and whispered in my ear. She only spanks me because I need it and she cares. It was just what I needed to hear and I held her tightly.

As I lay in bed that night, my bottom comfortably warm from a proper spanking at the hand of a woman that truly understands what punishment means I felt renewed.

Before

During

After

The Dominant Woman

2006-11-16T20:29:00.000-08:00

She was young, just out of school and beyond her years. Already she was well ahead of most and steadily pursuing her career. She had written a play and seen it performed several times, even taking it to Manhattan where it had a short run. She had several plays in the works and worked for a theater company.

I met her under stange circumstances. I was perfecting my massage technique and needed a guinea pig. Massage is something I aspire to as a submissive, studying it in preparation for serving the one dominant woman I commit myself too helps until I find her. She seemed pleased with my offer and I made plans for that weekend.

Her body was tall and better built than most women. She was attractive though exotic looking, possessing features you are more likely to see in a Raphael. With my back turn she stripped down and covered herself. Leisurely oiling my hands I admired her body. Her bedroom was cozy, plastered with art reproductions, old fashioned advertisements while her music collection was full of bands I had never heard of. I felt a sense of serenity from her and slowly began lathering her bare back. I thought of nothing but the moment- slowly working the lotion into her pores and feeling her body relent under my touch.
I know the power touch can convey and pride myself in my touch. It can be wonderful to see the reaction from someone that appreciates such attention.
I undercovered her breasts, covered only by a sheet. Her nipples were wide and round. With a careful finger dipped in lotion I swirled around her growing nipple. She purred.
I unveiled her further. Her panties were modest, the kind a woman wears around the homes; thick, cotton, yet I can't ignore how they add to her beauty. Her thighs are full and smooth though I see the press of pubic hair against the material. It was obvious she was full and natural, making me yearn to reveal that side of her yet I dare not.
Her body was open to me and she made no move to stop my explorations. Carefully...so carefully I placed my open mouth against her nipples. Instantly a sigh came from her lips and I began to tease. My tongue flicked at her hardened nipple, teasing. She skin was indescribably warm and pearly smooth.
My hands were slick with lotion and I soothed it into her belly, her breasts her thighs.
We didn't kiss but she directed me further down. Understanding her need, I skinned her panties down her long legs. The scent of her sex filled my breath and I twitched in anticipation. I wore only my boxer briefs yet naked there was no doubt who was in control.
Her pubic hair was light and thick, tickling my lips as I placed several deep kisses on her opening. She was moist and warm and I felt in bliss.
I lost myself in her, teasing her lips, kissing, licking, listening to her fevered breaths. I devoted all my attention to her body. All I cared for at the moment was pleasing her. Her body was incredibly hot and I tasted her juices as they increased, drenching my chin and slipping down my throat.
She peaked as I clung to her body, my palms gripping her full bottom. As she descended from her second climax, she patted me on the head to slow me down. With a hand on my bare shoulder she bade me to stop and lay beside her.
I was aroused though made no sign of it. Though she had made no sign of her inclinations, I was slowly turning to subspace and wanted to savor the moment. We kissed briefly and forced me deeper as she suggested I leave. She was breathing heavily, her naked body beautiful in the dimmed light.
Crawling over her, I meekly found my clothes and dressed. Returning home I was filled with fantasy. I was used. Used and sent home with no regard to my own needs. I was a happy man.

I enjoyed her company and wanted to see her again, even platonically. The next weekend we met and spent the evening playing in her oversized bathtub. Sitting me on the edge, she took me in her mouth and stroked my length to bring me to an explosive release. Afterwards we made love, our skin heated from the water, our fingers fresh and pruny.

She was unlike most women, confident and strong. She was highly intelligent and made it known each time we talked. There was an feeling about her that touched my nature. She drew out my submission yet I hesitated to tell her. I was ashamed.

The next time we met she was relentless. She took orgasm after orgasm from me and climbed on top to hold my wrists to the mattress. My eyes widened in fear. Did she know?

"Don't," I begged. "You shouldn't..."
"Why?" She was teasing, playing along with me.
"Really, you don't know..."
"Don't know what?" He bare thighs stroked my body. I felt my cock jerk.
"I'm submissive." I winced my eyes, afraid of her reaction.
I could feel her smile behind my closed eyes. Her lips were inches from me. "I know. I'm dominant." She spoke in a whisper.

She had seen it and there was nothing else I could do.

It was out now and she was bolder. She straddled my face and forced my lips to her crotch. Her hairiness made her seem that much more powerful. My ignored cock struggled for attention. She rode my face to another orgasm before laying on her back.
I entered her body and it was wonderful; soft, warm and giving. Her fingers gripped the flank of my ass while her eyes held mine. "Don't come," she warned. "Not until I say so."

I had entered her many times before. Together we were adept lovers but everything had changed. She had intruded onto one of my fantasies, one even I could not admit to myself. I wanted to beg, to ask for permission. My cock needed release, I needed the emotional climax an orgasm would bring. I looked down at her, growing more excited at the sight. She was even more passionate. I had been reduced to nothing more than a masturbatory aid for her. She was using me to get off.

Later, seemingly endless minutes later I was naked on all fours. She stroked the backs of my thighs as one would a championship animal. She slapped the rump of my ass, hard but playfully, testing my strength. I huffed more from need that pain.
She spread my cheeks and I felt the color rush to my face. I silently hoped she would stay away from there. Instead she reached further down to appraise my testicles like fruit. Her hand clenched me gently but enough to cause a reaction. I twisted back and forth, instinctively protecting that which is most precious to all men.
I can't remember her words but her tone is clear. She goaded and teased, warning me and chastising me at the same time.
Her hand stroked up and down my needy shaft and I moaned with no control. It was a shameful position, being milked like an animal. I felt degraded, yet I thrilled to it. My cock lurched from her touch.
Soon, too soon, I came. She scolded me as the warm liquid spilled out my heavy shaft. It was heaven. Her hand hand continued to pump me even as she criticized me for my lack of control.

Good to be Back

2006-11-15T23:22:00.000-08:00

Where to start...

First, it's good to be back. My computer was hit with a virus and, since I was frustrated, I quickly disabled everything and took it to a friend to fix. Friend takes his time working on it and brings it back almost two weeks later telling me there's nothing he can do with it. He installed a new desktop on it but it didn't work.
Fine, I think, I plan to buy a whole new CPU since I've got too many other things to worry about. Curiosity gets the better of me, though, and I end up taking a look at it. Some time later I've got it running almost as good as new. I've ordered some programs to help things run better and I'll be installing them when they arrive in the next few days.

I have another blog. It is much more in depth than this one and details a lot of what I've been through in the past few months. It's been a very difficult time for me but I won't get into it here. I'm considering telling the url to that blog but for now I'd just like to keep them separate. Let's just say there's been a lot of changes in my life lately.

I go looking for dominant women to date. They are not the only women I would consider but ideally that is what's best for me. I have a submissive nature that is too personal to ignore. Unfortunately, while dating, I've mostly met three kinds of dominant women;

1) The vanilla woman that likes the idea of female supremacy but doesn't completely understand it. All she knows is she gets all the attention and she doesn't have to worry as much about my needs. This ends turning her from a considerate vanilla partner to a selfish, berating, abusive woman that loses respect for the man because she doesn't understand the true ideal of submission. This breed is too common.

2) The woman that has read about female domination in magazines, the internet or movies and thinks that's what's for her. It is an easy way to get attention and men enjoy being stepped on and treated like shit. All play and no effort for her. Should I even tell you how this ends up?

3) The dominatrix that enjoys the ideal yet uses it to fulfill missing parts of herself or to balance out some great wrong that's been done to her (childhood, ex husband, etc.). Not a healthy relationship. The man always ends up being a stand in for the person she is really upset with and puts himself at risk.

Not to say all dominant women are like this. I of course know they're not and have met some that exemplified the femdomme ideal but all too often I run into those three types.

It's easy to find partners for sex and it's even easy to find a dominant woman but to find one that can meld that with a committed, caring, sincere relationship is the challenge.

Lately, because of what's been happening in my life, I'm not in the best state to be dating and have been using a lot of time to think through what I'm really looking for. That's what this blog (and my other blog to some extent) is for. I don't want to be a serial dater and I'm tired of weekend relationships.

There is much more to tell but it is late and I'm tired. Keep in touch and I'll try to keep up.

A note...

2006-11-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

This blog is not dead.

I have been experiencing some major computer problems that are being worked on and will be back.

Just wanted to let you all know...

The Dominatrix in the Media

2006-10-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

I can't be the only one who is noticing the proliferation of femdom ideals in the media.

All of these are in action movies. Could this be subliminal messages implanted in the minds of young boys to seek out such women as they grow older and are looking for a mate?

Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider and Carrie Ann Moss in the Matrix

Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux

Submissive Marriage

2006-10-29T11:40:00.000-08:00

Since I was very young I've been fascinated with the concept of marriage. I was idealistic and liked the idea of belonging to one another for life, being closer to someone than anyone else every will. I imagined what it will be like when I marry and expected to be married sometime in my twenties, have a home, kids, the whole American package. As I grew older my views and tastes changed. I dated women, but did so just to amuse myself. Most of my earliest girlfriends were women substantially older than I and I believe they kept me around mainly because of my age.
As I've gotten older I've become more direct about dating. I don't date recreationally and I don't continue seeing someone if I don't think we're compatible. While it sounds like I'm an old fart and looking to settle down, I'm not. I just don't want to spend time dating someone that I know will eventually end.
Almost everything will end but I'd like to at least know that the effort I put into it isn't wasted because we're not really meant for each other. There's something about being with a woman and knowing you're really connected, not just physically but have an emotional connection that is real. I miss that.
Lately I've been reevaluating my life in light of my recent move and a lot of different things. I realized I probably will never marry but I like the idea of it. I'd still like to meet someone I can think of as my future wife but I have standards that are hard to attain.
I've also been in a lot of vanilla relationships though I've come to terms with my submission. If it's a part of you, no ignoring it will make it go away. It pops up when you don't expect it. So I've reconciled that I won't be serious about a woman if she isn't dominant in some way. Ideally, I'd like a disciplinary woman, one that believes men need punishment to stay in line and sees herself as the head of the relationship.
Sexually she is in charge and always initiates and directs sex. She has a strong appetite for sex and is fairly selfish about it. When we are together it is for her benefit while I am mostly a performer, someone who learns exactly what she likes and knows how to take orders. I don't cum each time but she keeps me in a constant state of arousal. Male orgasms are more of a reward, given to drive me deeper into service for her and which bring out an effusive gratitude to her, My Woman, for being so generous.
She enjoys dominant play in bed but it is not a constant because her dominance shows through in our everyday interactions; how she speaks to me, how she fucks me, even how we kiss.

For me marriage has now become more of an servant relationship for me. Lately I've gotten much better at serving, I'm used to getting up earlier to make breakfast, take care of the home, I give excellent massage and oral sex has become a daily thing in my recent relationships. I know if I were to ever marry, the ring would symbolize not just a bond, but ownership. I'm not rushing to marry but if I ever do, I know I would be hers forever.

Nude for a Woman

2006-10-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier I made a post about CFNM. It's a fairly new term that's only been coined in the past few years though many men, myself included, can say they've been fans of male only nudity for some time. Your relationship changes drastically with a woman when she first sees you naked, especially when you have not seen her. A wise woman will keep her clothes on and not let you have a look at her naked body though she has seen all of you; your excited cock, your bare ass and the nervousness every man shows when he first drops his drawers for his woman. Because, even if you are proud of your endowment there's always that moment of uncertainty that she may not be as impressed by it as you are.

As a submissive I'm attracted to such moments. Baring it all, putting my masculinity up for her judgment has always been an intensely intimate moment for me. I remember as a child I would play with the older girls next door, often we'd be roughhousing, with the larger and stronger girls eventually overpowering me. Many times when I was in the position they'd use the opportunity to explore for themselves. It wasn't forced, they'd go slowly, always making certain I wasn't making a fuss. In a way I gave my approval. I knew I could have screamed, caused a mother to show up at the window and get the bigger girls off me but I laid back, feigning feeble protests.
My pants were taken down no farther than my knees but I may as well have been naked as a girl (or two or three) held me down to look at my development. I never enjoyed the situation as much as they did; I was too nervous, too scared, but I felt the stirrings of something I hadn't realized yet. I grew warm at the idea of being helpless and vulnerable. That carried on to define my sexuality as an adult.
Rumors of these incidents spread around the school yard until one or two girls questioned me on them. I wanted to deny them but with the girls present I couldn't. Though I protested I ended up dropping my pants on my own and showing the girls. All giggled, not for the sight of a naked boy, I think they enjoyed the spectacle. That a girl could have a boy voluntarily drop his pants in a secluded corner of the schoolyard taught them a little bit about the relationships women have with men.

Years later, as a young man, I posted an ad in a dating board. It was a lark, nothing I expected to be taken too seriously. I proposed that I meet a woman for a blind date and before we meet anywhere I take off all my clothes and allow her to get a good look at me to decide if she still wanted to spend an evening with me. I was putting myself on the line. How many women size a man up the moment they meet him? This would take it to an extreme.
I got a response from a woman years older than I. She was in her mid thirties; petite, short blonde hair, blue eyes and cute. I was skeptical at first but we decided on a time and place. She lived on the other end of the city, in a neighborhood I was unfamiliar with. By the time I got there it was late. She lived in a cozy townhouse near a large park. When she greeted me she seemed a bit nervous but very friendly. Offering me a drink she sat down and seemed to look me up and down.
I was nervous but I thought it best to begin. In the privacy of her bedroom she had me stand at the foot of her bed while she reclined against the pillows. Casually I disrobed; first my shirt, shoes and pants. I wore only a pair of boxer briefs and kept them on for a while, talking with her and gauging her interest. After a while she seemed anxious but uncertain how to tell me to continue. She would look at my crotch and then back to me until I slipped them down my legs and off.
It felt good, wonderful in fact, to be naked in front of a woman I'd just met. It was incredibly freeing and I remember standing proudly those first few seconds as I was naked. The situation excited me and I felt my cock swell the moment I took my underwear off.
I stood that way for some time and I could see her warm up to the idea. She seemed to relax and enjoy the dynamic of a younger man hard and naked before her. When I'd look away I'd notice her staring openly at my crotch. How strange, I thought, I'm naked in front of her, not hiding myself in any way yet she's still shy about looking at me. I sat on the foot of the bed, often looking away to give her ample time to look at me without worry.
Our conversation was close and friendly. We talked openly about personal things; girls I've dated, my masturbatory habits, how a man feels during sex...this all added to my already aroused state. When I made a joke she would laugh and pat my bare thigh, letting her hand linger on my body. I encouraged it with my body language. My primary concern was her comfort. I wanted her to be as relaxed as possible.
She wanted me to masturbate for her but I told her I wasn't comfortable with that. Through her coaxing I held my shaft as I did when I was alone and demonstrated my technique. It felt wonderful, and just what I needed, but I was hesitant to do anything further right then. With my hand on my shaft and the other cupping my balls she leaned forward to kiss me.
I have been kissed a lot in my life and had grown jaded with the all too familiar sensation of a woman's lips but this really woke me up. In moments I felt helpless. She lifted her shirt, then her bra. Her breasts were beautiful; not too large but not small. They seemed large for her frame. I began mouthing her nipples as she stroked the sensitive skin of my inner thighs.
Soon she was dressed in just her panties where she had me press my mouth against the fabric of her crotch.
I wanted more but I didn't want to have sex...I wanted to but my mind was against it. I just met this woman and this wasn't like me. Still, she was so beautiful...my body needed her.
She drew the line at her panties. She wouldn't say why but later, as I was leaving her home, I learned she was married.
Watching me eagerly pump myself her excitement got the better of her and she took her panties off on the condition that I wouldn't try anything more. Instead she squatted towards the headboard while I lay behind her. She had a beautiful ass; wide, round and soft. I couldn't help but kiss it. She pressed it into my face as I began licking, kissing and sucking. I dared to explore her crack to find her tiny hole. When I licked it she shrieked. I'm sure no one had ever done that to her before and, after the initial shock, cooled down and enjoyed the feeling.
Her initial shyness had gone and now she reached between her thighs to masturbate. Time seems to fly by at moments like that but I remember it took some time. It wasn't quick and fast like I usually feel when I'm enjoying myself, living out my fantasy of a woman objectifying me. I remember thinking how strange it was to be doing something so intimate, so submissive to a woman I just met. At moments like that your conscious mind sometimes interrupts and reminds you of how you'd feel if you weren't so aroused. Would I be ashamed of licking the ass of a woman I didn't know? Would I regret it?

I didn't let up. I was entranced by the idea of being lips deep in this woman's ass and knew it was a wonderful, defining moment for me and in my development as a submissive.

Female Led Job #3

2006-10-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

I was working as a web site contractor. At the time I was concentrating on graphics and I was hired by another real estate company, this one works more with office buildings. I was to design their maps and presentations for clients interested in investing in their buildings. Many of the top execs at this company were very wealthy millionaires. Most people that worked there lived pretty comfortably. It was one of the most professional places I'd ever worked.

One of my immediate bosses was a woman that was known as one of the best with clients. She racked up several multi million dollar deals and made more for the company than most will ever see in a lifetime. She was very professional and had little tolerance for bad performance. I tried to stay out of her way as much as I could, not because I didn't think I'd measure up, but I'd rather not face her on a bad day. I walked carefully around her.

That was difficult to do because we worked closely together almost every day. I designed much of the plans she intended to show to clients. Though I had the experience and the resume to show for it, she'd talk to me as if I was a child. She didn't question what I knew but spoke to me as if I was bound to make some trivial mistake.

When I presented my work to her she'd look it over and always praise me when she found it up to her standard. I must have beamed from ear to ear whenever she did, which she most likely saw. Perhaps that's why it continued.

She was older, at least in her fifties but she was very fit. I could easily see her as the authority in her house, while her meek husband cowered. One evening, as everyone was closing up I stood in the doorway waiting for her to get off the phone so I could present her with my day's work (the best time of the day for me) and she was on the phone with her husband. She was directing him on how to prepare her dinner. He must have asked too many questions because she grew more and more agitated. Finally, she spat into the phone, "I don't know why I trust you to do anything, you're always screwing it up!" All the while she knew I was listening.

The conversation ended soon after that and she smiled at me, as if scoring a victory. I could tell she was upset so I dropped the work on her desk and made my way out of her office as best I could. She seemed pleased at this and just watched, smiling as I did.

That was the last real encounter I had with her. Soon after that I finished the project and left the company. By that time I was sick of the city and had planned to move. A month later I packed everything I owned and moved to Chicago. I still imagine her every now and then and wonder what her sex life with her husband, whom she berated so openly, was like.

CFNM

2006-10-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

As men we have built up a carefully crafted facade to show to the world around us. Even the most submissive men may appear strong and masculine on the outside, carrying on this disguise while we go about meeting women in the world. We all know that with the right words or the right look men could easily crumble before a woman that knows her place.

When a man first gets naked in front of a woman it can be an unsettling experience. There is nothing you can hide from her. She examines you freely, sizing up your cock, your balls, your build, admiring your ass...you feel like livestock on display.

CFNM, an abbreviation for Clothed Male Nude Female, is a new form of power exchange where the women intentionally keep their man naked to shame them, to punish them or to keep them submissive. In this power play the men are objectified and looked at as no more than pieces of meat or toys for the women's enjoyment. When naked the men are often shy and nervous, a contrast to their macho persona. This makes it all the sweeter for women who are truly unveiling the man, not just physically but emotionally as well.

He realizes what women must feel like, how they are too often treated as nothing more than sex object and he once more he realizes a woman's inherent power. With a cross look or a firm slap across he face he shrivels. A dominant woman realizes that some time naked in front of her keeps him in his place, while she gets to enjoy the beauty of her male specimen in all his glory.

Ann Magnuson

2006-10-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

Every man has a personal list of the women he considers the most beautiful. These women fill various roles in his fantasies; cheerleaders, nurses, teachers, whores or whichever direction his tastes run. Usually the lists are populated by whoever seems to be the top models and actresses of that time- Eva Longoria, Keyra Agostina, Pam Anderson and the like. While I appreciate the beauty of those women (except Pam- boring), the women on my list were stronger, more dominant women.

One of those is Ann Magnuson. My love for her began when I was a preteen and saw the movie A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon. It was a story about a young Casanova and his exploits during the fifties, as well as his tenuous relationship with his father. The starring role went to River Phoenix, who more than fit it and opposite him, along with a pre-Friends Matthew Perry, were three beautiful women; Ione Skye, Meredith Salenger and Ann Magnuson. At one time all three women were in my fantasy rolodex though I spent the most time with Ann. She played the recent divorcee and friend of his mom who takes him home and seduces him. I would compare him to Benjamin Braddock though Reardon seems much more comfortable in his role as the temporary boytoy for a beautiful older woman. When the sound of her stockinged legs rubbing together captured the boy's attention, I was hooked. This was the type of woman I've always imagined in my dreams.

This is what every young man dreams about and needs; a confident older woman that takes an untrained boy and teaches him about women. I was lucky enough to have a similar experience many years later but at first it was just a fantasy.

She was perfect for her role, a slyly beautiful woman, highly sexual and passionate. As the older, eager lover she created an image that I'll never forget. The sight of her bare back, slowly dropping the towel to join her friend's son in the shower stirred my then latent submissive yearnings.

Ann with David Bowie in The Hunger

Ann Magnuson came from the Manhattan art scene of the eighties. She was a performance artist and developed a career based on small cameos in movies such as Desperately Seeking Susan before earning top billing. She became known for her stylish wear and often dressed like starlets or pin up girls. When photographed she was often the seductive, powerful woman or the cute nymphet.

She formed a band, Bongwater, whose biggest hit, The Power of Pussy, was filled with sexual entendres amidst carefully crafted psychedlia. Her image was that of the sexually aware, potent, powerful woman, one who set the pattern for much femdom imagery today.

Male subs: Just Another Role?

2006-10-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've always felt separate from the male subs you see that always "Yes, Mistress" themselves to death. Maybe they read a book somewhere or watch too many movies and think they should act more like a scared boot camp recruit than a man devoted to his woman? When I imagine a dominant woman I think of a woman seducing a man with her natural femininity, she doesn't have to dress up in leather and chains like she's going to a Halloween party.

The woman that works, expects her man to wait on her, spanks and puts him to bed when he acts up is a dominant woman in every sense of the word. She doesn't need some false image to hide behind and she doesn't want a mindless robot to kneel at every opportunity.

Whenever I read stories of men immediately falling to the ground to worship a woman it puzzles me. A man should adore a woman because of who she is, not because his sexual urges direct him to. When I've submitted it's because I've admired the woman; her intelligence, passion, kindness and strength always brought out my submission. It's not something I can do on the first date but a steady process that needs time to grow. I have to feel connected to her. I have to know she can care for and look after me. We have to share something together and allow love to at least begin before I can bare myself for her.

Surrendering immediately always seems so manufactured. I suppose that's the difference between real life and play.

Going Down

2006-10-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

Cunnilingus is the perfect sexual act for all it conveys. It gives pleasure to the woman while the man receives none. It exalts her to a place where she is adored. She allows herself complete unselfish attention while the man takes what is considered a subordinate position.

In my more vanilla relationships it has given me a chance to fulfill my submissive yearnings. It gives me the opportunity to submit for a woman's pleasure even when my partner isn't aware. What man, even macho stereotypes, don't feel pangs of submission when they lick and adore a woman's genitals? For this reason I've taken care to study it, to know exactly how to approach a woman, what she enjoys and how. When dating a woman it's a constant- even if we are too tired for sex, I find time to go down on her. It's a reaffirmation of my love for her and allows her the chance to enjoy and take her time for herself. When I am laying between her legs it is all about her; nothing else exists to me in that moment. I have even gone into hazes where she becomes my world. I get drunk on her scent, her wetness and her taste. When the emotions are there it is intoxicating.

Even the most demure woman begins to open up and become vocal when a man properly attends to them. As a child a woman once told me (a babysitter, if you can imagine) that if you know how to lick a woman properly than she'll never forget you. I didn't know what she meant then but realize the truth of it now. You could be a bad lover, inconsiderate or neglect her but if you know how to properly go down on a woman she'll be calling you in the middle of the night, popping up in your life after being away for years and wondering about you when you're gone.

I once read a study that said female hormones in women's vaginal juices calm men and puts them at peace. At the time I thought it was a pointless study, who didn't know such a thing? But then I realized it needed to be said officially. Men that regularly lick their woman's pussy seem happier, more confident and content. This could be that their woman is happier and more satisfied with him than most or it could be the very powerful act of laying beneath a woman and tonguing her pussy to orgasm makes him so. Giving a woman an orgasm in this manner is one of the greatest accomplishments a man can have. Greater than the feel of his own climax, it gives him a sense of pride, knowing that he fulfilled his duty as a man.

That's what it is- a duty. It should never be withheld or used as leverage. Just as kissing and affection should be rampant between a loving couple, even in the most vanilla relationships a man should readily service a woman as she likes. Whether it helps her relax after coming home after a long day of work, to cool down after a run or a pleasant way to wake up, a woman should take advantage of her birthright and train her man to give her head without hesitation.

I added some links to help men that may be having some difficulty with their technique. Do yourself a favor and use it tonight. Make your woman happy. That's what's important, isn't it?

Why I Submit

2006-10-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

I believe both men and women have their own talents though women carry all the strength and power in relationships. The balance lives and dies on a woman's whim. If a woman is happy and at peace then the relationship fluorishes, if she is dissatisfies it withers. When a man is allowed to control it more often than not it becomes a selfish, one sided affair where the man does as he pleases while the woman grows more and more distant. We've seen this in the majority of marriages; women grow upset at the obstinant nature of their husbands and the lack of affection from both parties. Men turn to more primal urges; masturbation, laziness, overeating and the woman feels isolated. Neither party has direction and both feel ostracized from their partner. When the inevitable split happens both are devastated and uncertain where it went wrong.

When a woman steps up and takes her place at the head as is her right then everything seems to come together and work. The man realizes his place and, while he may fight against it for a period, it's in our nature to eventually defer to it. It is a constant struggle with our primal natures against the loving direction of the woman. Man wants to rebel, to give in to his instincts, though he knows to submit to his better half is the best idea.

A good woman knows how to handle such a battle. She wields her power over him thoughtfully, rewarding when necessary, leading him further, teasing and denying. All have their place in a femdom relationship and the woman that knows how to use them knows how important they are.

There is a period where the man struggles. Discipline is not enjoyable. Orgasm denial is not enjoyable, nor is humiliation or any other punishment but they are necessary. A strong woman sees the pain her man is in and bares it with him. Both suffer when one fails but pain is an important tool and makes him into the man he needs to be. He wants to live for her benefit, to lives for her pleasure. Every man wants to be the ideal partner for his woman because only through her satisfaction is a man ever truly happy.

Female Led Job #2

2006-10-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

Soon after I found a position in my field at a smaller company. It was one of those places where everyone knows everyone else and spends the beginning of each morning talking about what happened the night before. Some days these chats would last past lunch. As I said, it was close.

It was a much more positive environment than the previous position. The office was smaller as well, and people would yell across the room to talk to one another. Besides one gay man I was the only male in the office and sometimes I think they forgot I was there. One time a detailed conversation about which underwear everyone wore took place all around. They'd talk about boyfriends and their personal lives, sometimes pretty graphically. The smart man knows when to shut his mouth, keep his presence minimal and just listen.

I worked for a beautiful woman just a couple of years out of college. In that short time she established herself pretty well in the company and directed much of the work in the office. She was tall, with a slender frame, bobbed blonde hair and glasses. She was cultured, with an interest in French culture and spoke it fluently. We worked closely together and became good acquaintances but never went beyond that. I knew she had a boyfriend and, though I'm sure she had most of the say in their relationship (what man her age would be her match?) she was not dominant. We didn't talk to much about our personal lives, she was all business.
Another woman older than her yet a couple years younger than me looked a lot like a woman on one of the spanking sites. For some time she filled that role, paddling me, bending me over the bed to make me feel the crack of the belt on my bare ass. Often I'd come home from working with these women and masturbate furiously.

photo courtesy of Women Spanking Men

Strangest thing is, though I was working side by side with all these younger women, my boss (Mrs. F)was an older woman, most like in her fifties. She was kind and considerate and often we'd share a joke together. I was working a contract position and though my job was done they preferred to keep me around for no good reason. One reason for this, I believe, is I amused her. The younger women were friendly though I never got as close to them as the other women in the office. Perhaps they all saw me as Mrs. F's toy? Some days I would do nothing but amuse Mrs. F during her lunch period. We'd talk about our shared roots and tell stories about the industry.

A wonderful job (though not challenging) it paid well and I really enjoyed the people. Some time later I was offered a better position at a more prestigious company with better pay that would look good on my resume and I took it.

Female Led Job #1

2006-10-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

All of the features that someone looks for in a mate are predetermined. True, a lot has to do with nurture, that expounds on what he/she is looking for and helps them recognize what they want but I believe what we're looking for is imprinted on us at a very young age.

I'm attracted to athletic women, not those that are believed to be the height of beauty. My ideal woman is not bone thin and can't wrap her whole hand around her forearm. I prefer women that are strong and fairly muscular, as I am.
Similarily, I like a woman that's in control of herself and her life. She has no confidence problems and knows she is the only person that directs her life. She takes responsibility for her own actions and the life she lives is what she has made.

In my life I've worked in three very gynocentric positions. I did not seek this out, it just happened to be a coincidence that me, a submissive man that adores powerful, in charge women, just happened to find himself in what seems to be his dream job on three different occasions.

In the first I was interviewed by a beautiful woman a few years my junior. She was very professional and, I could tell, nervous about her position. I later learned she had too much work and wasn't able to handle the position. I was hired and worked beneath her but as time went by I, along with the other man I worked with, began picking up much of her work as well as correcting her mistakes. Still, like most naive men, I fantasized about my boss and what would take place behind closed doors.

The office was 85% women and they colored everything that happened in the company. There were tea socials, flower arranging seminars and women only business meetings. None of the other men seemed to notice or, if they did, they didn't complain. I other women ran the company and did more than their share of work. This is a major company with billions in revenue each year. It is run by and founded by a man though our office was controlled by one woman.

In several instances we were talked down to and treated as if we didn't know what we were doing while, most of the time, we kept everything running smoothly and kept our mouths shut. That's how it was for all the men there; no one said anything and women had the run of the office, often taking advantage of the ratio by taking long lunches and allowing others to pick up the work they should be doing.

Ultimately I left the job when it began to affect my career. It wasn't in my field and I was being paid much below what I was earning though, in a way, that appealed to me as a submissive man. I rarely allow my submissive feelings to come into my professional life but the fact that I worked for several women in that office that were less experienced than and earned more than I really appealed to me.

Dating Dominants Vol. 1

2006-10-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was in a very bad state. My engagement had just ended and I was coming off a month of non dating to recover. I had moved to a new state and felt crushed by a lot of things. I knew no one and had to rebuild my life with very little way to begin. I had taken a lot of steps to improve my life and some had backfired. Still, I felt I was on the right path and was glad I took action.

I resolved to only get involved with female led relationships from then on in. For years I knew I was submissive and spent enough time in introspection that I knew what I needed in a partner but I was dating vanilla or even submissive women and felt like I was cheating myself. I knew it would be difficult but from then on I decided that it had to be done. It would be more difficult but I consider myself a quality man and a worthy sub and I hoped to attract the right woman.

I met a woman named C. She was nine years younger than me though seemed very much put together. I try to avoid dating women much younger than me and stick to the seven year rule I made of having a seven year range above and below my own age as best but she was much more mature and intelligent than most women. We shared interests, had a similar sense of humor and I liked her style. She wore jeans and converse, which I thought were perfect.
On our first date she told me she was a prodomme. She knew of my nature and I told her my feelings on professionals- that I thought it too personal to share with a stranger. We didn't spend too much time on D/s but rather talked as couples usually do on the first date. We got along very well and time went by quickly. She spent more time with me than she planned but we both enjoyed the evening. That weekend we saw each other again.

We became more personal on our second meeting. Being a believer in blurred gender roles, she took me out and bought me dinner, treating me as men usually treat women. Though I was larger and stronger, I was meeker and softer than she was. She led me by the hand and spoke to the waitress when something wasn't right. I loved the feeling of being doted on.

That night we discussed a lot. She was a gender studies major in college, had modeled and had even been in porn briefly. Now she preferred to be behind the camera and was a photographer. She was at the failing end of a relationship that meant a lot to her so she stressed we would be non physical for some time. I was the person she came to to get away from it all, someone to listen, someone to comfort her. At the end of the night I found myself kissing and sucking her feet, something I enjoy for the submissive connotations. I'm not a foot fetishist but the act of adoring a woman's foot seems so...servile and loving... that it appealed to me.

On our third date we went out again. Once again she paid, another sign that she was in charge. Obediently I kept my mouth shut and blushed whenever she made an act of her superiority in public. We lamented our situations; her with her boyfriend, me with my job, my life and my now ex fiance. I was close to tears and she knew it. We had already established a rapport where I was not expected to be the stoic, unfeeling characters men are expected to be. She really reached a part of me that needed attention. For some time I felt hurt and vulnerable and her presence really drew it out of me. More than a few times since I've sobbed and felt much better in her arms. That night she soothed me and said she wanted to tuck me in. I brought her into my bedroom where she helped me undress. I stood naked before her, open and swelling before her eyes. She looked me up and down and gently took my hand to lead me into bed. Then, lovingly, she tucked me in, said some warm words, kissed me and made her way out. It was just what I needed.

Since then we've grown pretty close. As we started spending all of our time together after her boyfriend moved out she confessed that she wasn't looking for a relationship though she enjoyed being with me. She preferred to have a number of men to go to for sex.

We became very sexual and found each other to be almost perfect sexual partners. She's forceful and commanding, pushing me when I need to be pushed. In the bedroom she is the queen that takes any role she likes. I offer her comfort, affection and take her direction as she gives it. Our sex life consisted of a lot of oral. She was vigorous in taking the lead in that. Daily she'd queen me, cutting off my breath and berating me then turning soft and serene as her orgasm passed through her. To feel a woman squatting above you, her juices flowing from her sex to drench my face is spiritual. I felt owned, I felt like hers, regardless of how many other men she saw.

She confessed that I was her first choice and she only sees the others when I'm not around but I was still hurt that I wasn't her only one. I am looking for a monogamous relationship and the feelings I had for her wouldn't be returned. She is beautiful, intelligent, dominant and kind but I knew it would go no further.

On Your Feet or On Your Knees

2006-10-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

I have tried my hand at being a male dom, I'm pretty good at it too. I suppose I could be labelled a switch because I do enjoy taking the lead and controlling a woman but my heart, my true feelings are definitely submissive.
As a dom I'm very caring, doting and punish not for the sake of it, but to better her as a woman. I punish because she's let me down or not lived up to her potential. It's unnecessary to make up infractions just to punish. While I realize there is a great amount of pleasure in it, it's main purpose is to guide and teach and I emphasize that as a dom. Rarely do I "scene" or punish for no reason. Each act has an underlying message; either to teach her how to please me or be a better woman, to strengthen her orgasm, deepen her submissive feelings or to share a special intimacy her and I share. I understand the need for play, and enjoy it very much, but even when deep into frivilous play I always feel there is something deeper. It touches her deeply, emotionally and intimately as a woman. She may be afraid of this side of herself or be unaware of what is inside her and I'm allowing- encouraging- her to feel it. I want her to be vulnerable, be open, feel and perhaps even hurt. She learns how to be tactile and open to every sensation- touching, tasting, hearing, feeling, smelling. Too many people remain on level one of their sexual awareness, hurtling towards orgasm as the destination, never realizing there is much more. They miss the many things in between and never exercise their sexual potential.
I want her submission to be a starting point for her feelings for me. By submitting she will desire then crave, and eventually~ hopefully~ love me.
I have tried to refrain from getting too involved with those that look at it as merely a new flavor, something to put on and try before going back to the pattern of sex they are used too. I'm all for vanilla sex, it has it's place, but submission and domination and deep in the layers of my skin, in the breath and in my blood. It's a part of me as much as the color of my hair and it's not just a different flavor for me. It is at the heart of my relationships.
I don't think of it as a physical act though there is that side to it. When deep in a scene- whether submitting or dominating- it can be spiritual, the way making love should be. I believe it should be emotional- it's an intimate bound that makes you suffer when she's away or yearn when she's not there.
As a dom I think of myself as a guardian. Even if the sub is a strong woman and accomplished much, I pamper her and look after her as one would a pet or a young child. I lead her with strength and authority, tempered by kindness. I nurture her submissive nature and shower her with attention which is why I punish as I do. When a girl disappoints me when I have given her every opportunity to excel and please me, it is my duty to guide and direct her. I correct her and teach her why she let me down, while making sure she will do better next time. That is the essence of domination- guidance and discipline.

Some may call me a switch and in some ways I suppose I am, I still have fantasies of dominating a woman and thoroughly enjoy it when I meet a true submissive woman and I have the honor of guiding her but I know this side of me stems from my submissive nature. I really am giving in to the woman's desires by allowing her to be submissive. I let her enjoy herself and give her reign to be controlled. It is a masquerade in some ways. While I could never submit to some women because they seem to submissive to me, if given the choice I would much rather be on my knees than on my feet.

Submission and Dating

2006-10-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm currently thinking of a new title for this blog. I don't particularly like the one I chose, it's too impersonal. You would be surprised what has been taken.

I've always understood this side of myself. I have always been very self aware and zeroed in on exactly what enticed me. I wasn't afraid of it, rather the more I learned the more I wanted to learn.

I found out I am drawn more to the disciplinary aspect of submission. I enjoy bondage but it pales when compared to how I feel about spanking and correction. I know it is tied into my childhood (I may get to that later) and much of my fantasies pertain to being a youth. Authority figures excite me- the stereotypical governesses, teachers, nurses, what have you.

At first I didn't pursue this though I always ended up dating women that were, in some ways, "above" me. They were older, more educated, more established, sometimes they were mothers or divorcees. I don't often have trouble getting dates. I've been told I'm attractive and the reactions I provoke attest to that. I look younger than I am and still can be naive and shy at times. I think it draws women that look for the "boyish" type of men. They are maternal, protective and usually authoritative, at least to a point.

Subconsciously, I suspect, I sought out that type of woman. I've never been one for the empty headed, fashion obsessed, heavily made up women that seemed to proliferate in college but went towards the studious, serious, more mature women.

Since that time I've put a lot of thought into dating. As everyone does when they are young, I dated recreationally, looking for no more than a good partner. I'm in my early thirties now and though I don't feel old, I still like the idea of having one true, devoted woman you can come to and support always. It's very difficult in this society of instant gratification and too much selfishness. I'm too idealistic and romantic, which can be a problem. I don't get involved too easily though when I do, it's for certain. Trying to reconcile my dating prospects with my submissive urges has been interesting.

I picture the woman I'm looking for- a devoted, loving wife, passionate, intelligent and caring but also somewhat maternal. She believes in female superiority, at least in play, and is not hesitant about corporal punishment. She understands men need guidance and some work to be the man the woman wants them to be and accepts her role as his nurturer and guardian.

I agree, it's somewhat selfish but I'm still working on it. For now that's my ideal picture.

In the Beginning...

2006-10-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this to chronicle how I got here and why I feel the way I do.

To put it bluntly, I am submissive but I don't think that word covers it as I would like. I don't like the ritual that seems to be connected to it. Leather does very little for me and I don't like the unwritten rules that you have to refer to someone as Mistress or some other such name. I think that is too showy and impersonal. I think this is a deep, intensely personal thing and such things are accoutrements. So are riding crops, racks, etc. All items that add to the dispassionate nature so many involved in this seem to thrive in.
I am submissive but that's too broad a term for what I feel. I don't feel lesser than anyone and am proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I don't have an image problem and I don't feel there is anything wrong with how I feel. I'm not ashamed of it, though I have had difficulty bringing it into my personal life at times.

Going way back I remember I had many feelings and thoughts that, as I grew older, I realized were submissive. I had dreams as a young child that were definitely submissive. Not so much sexual but definitely submissive.
As I got older my fantasies became much more specified. I was more passive in them while women were the aggressors. All my fantasies had sex happen to me, rather than the typical cheerleader after school fantasies so many teen boys have. I was tied down or molested while sleeping. My lovers were older, experienced women while I was virginal and naive (which I was). I had visions of being spanked, being tied down mixed with the typical celebrity fantasies.

I was a late bloomer sexually because I went to an all boy's school much of the time and was shy around girls. When I started dating seriously everyone had more experience than me but I found myself dating older, even more experienced girls. I learned about sex from them but those I opened up to about my early sexual fantasies only took light interest in them; play spankings, or laughed commands to do things I would have done anyway. I was happy, I was learning.

I've grown as have my tastes and they've become more specified. I am an idealistic romantic and believe in monogamy so my tastes have leaned toward more of an emotional bond than a physical one. I am drawn to the picture of an authoritative wife and mother; a mater, a strong, direct mother. Sometimes she is forceful and punishing, other times subtle and teasing but always loving and tender. I don't think a dominant woman should be mean, hurtful or cruel. Rather I believe she should temper her position with nurturing.

I have recently moved to Chicago and have found this city to be more open to the idea of a man being the beta than most places I've lived. I'm a relatively attractive guy and the shyness I felt as a teen is mostly gone so I don't have that much of a problem meeting women. I date fairly frequently though I've yet to find the one woman I can devote myself too and completely submit to. That is the purpose of this site- to tell my story as it happens and I look for such a woman while detailing who I am and what I'm looking for, hopefully teaching me something about myself.